Bad Agent Sydney T. Cat

You May Already Be Bad Agent Sydney's Client!

2011-12-29T19:00:00.000-08:00

Sydney:

All the times, people is asking Sydney if she is taking new clients, and if they can be Sydney's client! All the times! This, even though Sydney has this blog telling writers all the bad things she likes to do! Is good to be me! Purrr!

But to these peoples I say, how does you know you is not already Sydney's client? Sydney has found new thing! All Sydney has to do is make some kind of contact with writer. Could be email, or over-the-transom submission, or something handed to Sydney at writer's conference, if she went to writer's conferences, which she never does. Anyway, all Sydney needs is to get hold of manuscript or proposal or pitch, or even just find out about submission writer has already made to publisher.

Then all Sydney has to do is keep writer hanging while she secretly sweeps in and takes over property! Sydney can shop to publishers, chase foreign rights, even movie or TV rights, and tell writer nothing! Even easier, if writer has already done much of the work!

Good thing is, Sydney has no obligations to "client!" Does not have to return calls, or listen to their silly prattling about how they wants their work handled! No agreements of any kind! Sydney does what Sydney wants! And if Sydney can not sell work, is not stuck with useless writer cluttering up her client list! Far as they is concerned, they was never Sydney's client at all!

But if Sydney does sell, then if Sydney does sell, most writers treats Sydney like hero! Every once in while though, some silly writer complains that Sydney has sold property she had no rights to represent! Some silly peoples says it is almost like stealing! The nerves!

But, Sydney is just cute little cat (agent)! Everybody forgives Sydney! Sydney does not care if some stupid writers goes away mad. They was never Sydney's client anyway!

Is good to be me!

PURRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Wisdom: Sydney is Neither Conflicted Nor Interested!

2011-12-10T22:59:00.001-08:00

Sydney:

Yesterday reporter was by to talk to Sydney about her new "ebook pre-printification" program for clients. (We does not call it "publishing" silly peoples!)

Works like this: Sydney sends client's books to "trained pre-printification specialists" in third-world country where orphans format into ebooks in exchange for handful of rice and moldy dates. Then Sydney does the backbreaking job of uploading files to Amazon, Barnes & Nobel and other sites! (Just kiddings! Sydney has orphans do that part too!)

For this, Sydney takes only standard 20% of whatever sales she decides to report to clients, whenever she decides to report it! Clients all think Sydney is hero! (Because this is what Sydney tells them to think, and clients mostly thinks what Sydney tells them to think! Sydney LOVES this business!)

So, this reporter asks if Sydney Agency can possibly to the kind of professional job traditional New York publishers can! SYDNEY IS ALL OVER THIS! Sydney points out how sloppy and error filled many New York ebooks is! Then Sydney explains to reporter moron how, after takes New York housing prices and cost of living into effect, SYDNEY'S ORPHANS ACTUALLY PAID MORE THAN THEIR EDITORS! PURRR!

Sydney knows she made impression on reporter, because they was writing very fast, and kept breaking pencils! Also how their left eye kept twitching!

So, yes, Sydney has been in press dissing traditional publishers and saying she can do better job for clients, traditional publishers where many is still expecting Sydney to sell their books!

Do not worries, clients! Sydney does not think this will hurt your chances of selling to them!

Much.

And there is always "ebook pre-printification program" to fall back on.

PURRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

2011-10-28T06:18:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Dear writers:

Sydney knows that sometimes is just too much work to sift through Sydney's blog looking for all her great writing and publishing wisdoms! Sydney also knows that sometimes you might want to read Sydney's great writings without having the internets!

GOOD NEWS! Sydney has come up with a profitable solution to your problem! Sydney has now collected, illustrated, and updated all her wisdoms into one ebook, which YOU can buy with nothing but money! GO BUY NOW! (Some readers is already giving Sydney 5-star reviews, AND SHE DID NOT EVEN HAVE TO HURT THEM!)

Sydney's book is also available on Nook, Smashwords and other ebook outlets! GO!

(Sydney is counting her moneys now! PURRRRRRR!)

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO!

AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Conflict of Interesting

2011-08-06T23:59:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Lately, Sydney is hearing a lot about agents and conflict of interests! People is talking about how agents may have special relationships with publishers, or may not work in client's best interests if agent is also acting as a publisher.
Sures, these is all conflicts of interest! Sydney loves them all!

But there is other conflicts of interest that ALWAYS go on with agents, and people never thinks about! These are Sydney's favorites, because nobody ever complains about them! They is so deeply rooted in the agenting business they is invisible! Is like money in the bank!

In fact, IS money in the bank Sydney is talking about! See, all money flows through agent! Publisher sends check! Sydney cashes check plenty-quick! Then, Sydney deducts her well-deserved 20% commission! Finally, Sydney cuts check for rest of moneys and sends to writer!

But here is where conflict-of-interest comes on. Writer's best interest is that Sydney should get money to writer as soon as possible! Agency law says agents first interest should be client's first interest...

But Sydney is just a little cat (agent), and does not study the law, much less obey it! Sydney's interest is that money stays with Sydney as long as possible! Sydney knows that "money in the bank" means "interest," and interest is money that STAYS in Sydney's bank!

So, if check comes in on Wednesday, Sydney cashes right away, but pretends not to get it until Friday. If gets on Friday, can't log it in until Monday. If does not log till Monday, cannot send to accounting until Tuesday. But accounting person is taking personal days till Thursday. Then authorization to cut check doesn't get on Sydney's desk till SECOND Friday. Then Sydney cannot sign till Monday, but is in meetings all day, and is out of office on Tuesday and then everything is backed up on Wednesday and then signs on Thursday, but accidentally signs in wrong place, and accounting person doesn't find it becauses starts maternity leave, and then temp replacing her doesn't know where anything is...

Six weeks later, if writer even knows about money, if even suspects money exists, they is stuck staring at mail-box, wondering where money is! If they calls, Sydney says, "the check's in the mail!" Thanks-you crappy USPS! Sydney can always blames it on you! "Oh," says Sydney,
"you should have it by now! Sydney will send another check soon as can get paperwork through! Only accounting person just started two year sabbatical in Tibet! May be slight, delay!"

Meanwhile, Sydney's "conflicted interest" is turning into "compounded interest!" See! Sydney makes clever joke! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

You got that check yet?

Is good to be me!

PURRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: Let Bad Agent Sydney Improve Your Writing!

2011-08-05T20:06:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Remember, all manuscriptses is better after agent puts their paw-prints all over them. (Actually, sorry about the wet ones. Sydney just comes from litter-box.) Because anybody can call themselves an agent, even a cat, so obviously if you believe this, a cat knows more about writing that you do! (And you may qualify to be a Bad Agent Sydney client!)

Here's an excerpt from a recent letter Sydney sends to client about their latest novel:

Chapter 1: This is good, but good is nots good enough for an opening! Gots to have reader's attention in the first paragraph! This is why a good hook is so important! Sydney suggests sound of electric can-opener. That always gets her attention!

Chapter 2: Interest waning here. Blah, blah, setting, blah, blah, characterization, blah, blah, plot, blah, blah, suspense... Sydney takes three naps (12 hours total) just during first paragraph! You needs to haves stuff that interests readers here. You know what interests Sydney? TUNA! Suggest more tuna. Maybe heist is to steal secret case of rare Star-Kist "Unicorn Tuna." Sydney just make this up! You can have! (Small "creative contribution" royalty will be added my usual 20%! No need to pay now! I is good to you!)

(Note, will talk to publisher about idea of tuna-scented paper. Big seller!)

Anyway, maybe opens trunk of get-away car, BUT IS ALREADY FULL OF TUNA! See the sweet dilemma! Hero CANNOT throw aways tunas!

WHAT WILL DO? You figure out! Also, cut 2000 words.

Chapter 3: Wait? Did we start Chapter 3 yet? Sydney was napping again. So bored, could not even start reading this one. Put something interesting at front of chapter. Maybe a piece of yarn, or a bug, or a skittery piece of paper on a tile floor! Sydney always excited by these!

Also, cut 3000 words and add more tuna.

(33 chapters redacted...)

Chapter 37: Atomic bomb in orphanage? White House in flames? Hero hanging from hang-glider over volcano by toes? Love interest being eaten by ants? You call this a climax? SNOOZEFEST!

Needs something EXCITING! Something sends heart racing! Something cannot resist! Something cannot stop looking at! Sydney suggest (they'll never sees this coming!) LASER POINTER on CEILING! Sydney is excited just thinking about it!

Also, cut 5,000 words, add another can-opener and make the Yugo into a tuna boat.

Finally, to entire manuscript, add 40,000 words (all chapters too short!), more tuna, and make protagonist a cat.

Otherwise, is PERFECT!

Except, more tuna.

Agent knows best!

Is good to be me!

PURRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: Where There's a Will, There's a Won't

2011-05-19T16:55:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Client asks Sydney today if Sydney has a will. Sydney get's all huffy, asks what business of it is client's? Client slinks away.

Makes Sydney purr, because Sydney knows EXACTLY what business of it is clients: is ALL of client's business! See, when you is making deal with agent who owns agency, you is potentially making deal with agent's estate, and everyone involved, too!

See, agency and deals don't just go aways because agent is dead! (Or maybe worses, incapacitated!) Let's say Sydney, cat-Gods forbid, Sydney is hit by bus tomorrow: Okay, Sydney wins that one. But suppose TWO BIGGER buses and a convoy of semi-truckses hits Sydney and Sydney is killeded. (Or put in coma, though that would be hard to tell!)

All contracts negotiated by Sydney become assets of the estate! All payments: every check, every royalty payment, every subsidiary right goes through estate! Lawyer, maybe judge, must sign off on every bit of monies that goes through! And lawyers and judges not even PRETEND to care about you like Sydney does (did)! Theys is just interested in keeping as many assets in the estate as possible! And this assumes they even KNOW they're supposed to pay you! Maybe they look at box of shredded papers that is Sydney's "filing system" and just scratch heads! Maybe they cannot find Sydney's address books or phone book because she has hidden them under loose-board next to litter box! Maybe (probably) they knows nothing about publishing business, and does not even understand they is supposed to send percentages to you! (Hey, at least Bad Agent Sydney sent along about one check out of three, just to keep up appearances!)

And no matter how bad things get, your old work is still tangled up on Sydney-estate's business! If you signed Sydney's excellent new agency agreement that gives her right to portion of all new works in any away derived from, based upon, or stored in the same room or computer or skull with represented work, then estate could be rabid monkey on yourses back for rest of life!

Of course, if you is with a larger agency, this may be lesses of a problem. Agency more likely to continue on, though in that case, yous can have issues if PRINCIPLE in agency dies (or has nasty divorce with another principle, or gets hauled into court on sexual harassment charges, or...), even if yours agent is on macrobiotic diet and jogging six miles a day!

So Sydney just laughs at poor client, who still exists in state of ignorances and uncertainty! Just betweens you and me, Sydney has no will! Just poor record keeping, legacy of fraudulent accounting, large-unpaid gambling debts, and a host of semi-insane "lost" relatives who all hate each other more than they care about money. Yours future is in good hands!!

NOT!!!

But Sydney does not care!

Sydney will be watching and laughing from Cat heaven! (Sure, she sells her soul to Dark Forces, possible Darth Vader himself, but has 20% of all YOUR souls to cash in on!)

Is good to me me!

You, not soes much!

PURRRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

More Bad Hollywood Sydney Wisdom!

2011-04-26T23:44:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Sydney is doing so well with last-week's Hollywoods movie scheme, she starts to wonder, why should she only takes Hollywood money from own clients! Sydney then has new ideas!

Sydney is now what is callsed "Literary Scout!" Sydney hears there is literary scouts for reals, who goes looking for books that has potentials to develop into films or television shows, buys options to market books, then brokers deals throughs their contacts in show-business, and takes finders fee! (Meanwhile, writer's regular agent still getses full 15% for "selling Hollywood rights," even thoughs deal just drops into their lapses! Is good to be an agent!)

But Sydney thinks, why pays for options, when stupid writers will give to her for free! Here is Sydney's deal: Sydney cold-calls zillion published writers offering to market their books in Hollywood! Sydney will not charges them at all! All they gots to do is sign over all-rights, exclusive, long-term Hollywood option to Sydney!

Sydney talks smooth, acts like shes is well-connected Hollywood insider, and drops Hollywood-insider names she learns from IMDB and TMZ! "I has talkings with Johnny Depp the other day, and he was sayings how he would like to do a movie justes like your books! I thinks we could get Sandras Bullock and Mae West and Hally Barry to play the sisters! And we could get little Stevie Spielberg to directs! Or maybe Stan Kubrick or Al Hitchcocks! All is good friends with Sydney! Had tunas with me at Brown Tophat restaurant just the other days!"

Some writers does not believes, but others does, and is so star-struck by idea of book being made into big movie, does not even check on Sydney's credentials! (Sydney is agent, remember! Has no credentials!) So gives Sydney big right-grab option for free!

Pretty soon, Sydney has whole shopping bag full of options, maybe even with a few names Hollywood peoples who don't read will recognize! Accidentally return Sydney's calls! Sydney gets meeting, spreads out options on table like a deck of playing cards, and says, "takes your pickses! Is all good!"

Maybe Sydney gets nowhere, but every once in while, one is bound to pay off! And with Sydney's option agreement, no getting around her! Writer can't sell to anyone else! Movie producers can't buy without going through Sydney! Sydney pays nothing to be deal maker and deal breaker!

Is good to be me!

PUUUURRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Check my Smooth Moves (or Movies)

2011-04-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Good news, client! Sydney has sold Hollywood option on your book!

Has sold to new production company called "Bad Producer Sydney" Productions. No relation, of course!

Well, okay, a little, in that its is wholly owned by me! But Sydney does not make the movies, of courses! Sydney will sell yours book to REAL movie-makers. Don't worries! Producer Sydney will send money to you, less 25% management fee! (Of course, Agent Sydney will also take her 20% for selling to Producer Sydney. Is only fair!)

Sydney gets you good deal! Not much money up front, but gets you 2% of gross profits, whichs is much better than percent of net profit! In Hollywood, "net" means they will throw net over yous if yous is crazy enough to thinks you will get paid. "Gross" only means it would be gross if they ever actually had to pay anybody!

Of course, if you does not make much, Bad Agent Sydney's cut is small too. But do not feel bad for Bad Agent Sydney! Bad Producer Sydney makes her own deal! Sydney is credited producer on movie! No work, but Sydney makes fat check that she shares with nobodies, trailer stocked with tunas, plus 5% of the budget! (Which means Sydney gets paid if it gets made, even if it is never released!)

Also, Sydney's name is before yourses in credits!

Also bigger!

Sydney must go now. Already has deal to write script for sequel! Already gots opening:

FADE OUT - YOU

Is good to be me!

PURRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: The Nine Percents Solution

2011-03-28T02:29:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Hey, want to self-publish your work as ebookses, but don't want to do the work yourselfs? Don't have much moneys? Bad Agent Sydney Agency has new service for you!

Sydney is now offering full ebook publishing services with NO moneys up front! Just let Sydney collect sales and she takes SMALL percentages, none aboves 15%, to cover the work done by her crack publishing team that she recruiteds from the parking lot in front of Home Depot!

Here is how goes:
Editings 15% Fee
Cover Design 15% Fee
Cover Arts or Photo 10% Fee
Typesetting 10% Fee
Copyediting 15% Fee
Proofing 10% Fee
Cover copy-writings 10% Fee
Ebook Processings 10% Fee
Accounting 10% Fee

Simple, huh?

Well, Sydney must go now. Has to call client and tell them good newses and bad newses. Good newses is, client sold $10000 dollars worth of ebooks this month! Bad newses is they now owes Sydney $500!

PURRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) Part the 2

2011-03-21T02:25:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

How can a cat be an agent?

Anybody can prints up cards and call themselves an agent, even a cat! And if it is not permitted, then it is required!

Who would sign up a cat for an agent?

When word gots out that Sydney was agent, people started asking where to sends submissions. Sydney has to beat off clients with a stick! Nots kidding. Beats them off with stick!

Sydney is a boy's name, right?

Is youses blind?!! Sydney is dainty little girl kitty! Don't makes me come over there and hurt you!!!

What's with all the extra "s"es? Do you have pluralicy or something?

Everybody is the comedians! No, stupid-heads! When Sydneys was in agent-school she was in house Slitherin. Does that answers your question?

What qualities do you look for in a client?

Sydney likes the starry-eyed optimism that blinds all judgement, desperate need for validation, and accesses to a large trust fund!

Are you taking submissions?

Not from yous!

I have this great idea for a fantasy series...

Yours mother must be so proud!

What is your commission rate?

Many agents still charging 15%, but Sydney's worthless clients not making enough moneys for her! So Sydney says to herselfs, "Youses is worth more than that!" So lucky you, if you has Sydney for agent! Sydney is now worths 20%! You mustes have the bestest agent in the business! YOU DOES NOT DESERVE! WORKS HARDER!!!!

I've heard you insist your clients obey your instructions. What's up with that? Shouldn't a writer be the master of their own career?

Who has you been talking to? You is only writer! Sydney is agent! Agent knows best! Agent tells many writers what to do! You is only one! By definitions, Agent is many times smarter than yous! Yous is only single pellet in Sydney's scatter-gun of success!

But how can you tell writers how to write their books? You've never written a book, have you?

What! SYDNEY IS WRITING A BOOK RIGHT NOW! BOOK IS JUST A BIG BLOG POST! SYDNEY PUTS ALL BLOG POSTS TOGETHER, HAS BOOK! SCREWS YOU!

Well, if it's so easy, why do I need you?

Noes, noes, NOES! No book is goods enough for publications without Agent's claw-marks on in! (Sydney is perfectly capables of clawing up her own manuscripts, thank-you-very-muches!)

But, not only haven't you written a book, you've never been a professional editor either, have you?

Sydney is an important crack in the editorial sidewalk to possible-maybe publication!! (Do not step on crack! Sydney's back already under a lotta strain!) Sydney's editorial input has been permeated into many manuscripts to make then suitable for submission to major publisherses!

Where they then need to be edited?

Well of courses! Whole point of Agent intervention is to make the manuscript just good enough to need real editing!

Even if that means making the manuscript worse?

Especially if it means making book worse! This is important thing, great secret that only Agents understands! Editors buy books, and editors mustest justify their phoney-baloney jobs! This is secret! Editors is not necessary to publishing process! Not like Agents! Surprisingly, mostest books is rejected by publishers because they is too good! Sydney uses her special agent powers to dull your manuscript down just to the point where it showses editorial promise! This is the sweet spot where editors will bite!

Oooookay! Shouldn't there be more questions than this on a Frequently Asked Questions List?

Sydney will answer more questions as you frequently ask them. Email Sydney with yourses agent and publishing and especially Sydney questions!

Any final advice to writers?

ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! ADOPTS A HOMELESS CAT TODAY! SYDNEY ORDERS YOU!!!!

You like to have the last word, don't you?

PURRRRRRRR!!!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Never Ending Story

2011-02-06T19:24:00.000-08:00

Sydney:

Most publishing contracts haves what is called "termination clause." No, stupids, this is not title of worst Arnold Schwarzenegger Christimas movie ever! This is clause that sets up what conditions under which the contracts ceases to applies, like when book is out of print or the term of the rights purchase runses out.

But Sydney has another name for this clause! She calls it the "Sydney-doesn't-makes-no-more-money clause!" See, the percentage of monies that Sydney gets is for the "life of the contract." If book stays in print for fifty years and contract is in force, Sydney gets still her percentage! This is much tunas for Sydney!

But if contract runs out, so whats, right? Sydney can resell work then and makes more monies! But, ignoring that this is more works for Sydney (do not want!), sometimes (not very often) clients wise up to Sydney's evil ways, and "part company" with Sydney! But even then, if contract is still in force, Sydney still makes moneys! But if contract expires, no moneys for Sydney! Former client can have NEW agent resell and keep cut for themselves!

Stupid writer may even sell themselves and keep ALL money! Selfish writers! Don't they know that agents needs to eat, pay rent, and buy mink-lined business jets!

Sydney has been thinking about this, wondering if she can negotiate OUT termination clause on all client's new contracts? Publishers won't say nothing. It has been Sydney's experience, they is usually happy to let writers (or their agents) screw themselves. But this is only screwing for client, not so much for Bad Agent Sydney! And most clients won't notice. Don't know what termination clause is, even if they bothers to reads contract. (Clients, ignore this post, and do not worry your pretty-little-heads!).

Sometimes Sydney is so brilliants she has to wear shades!!!

PURRRRRRR!!!!!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Why Good Kitties Can Still Eat You

2011-01-28T17:05:00.000-08:00

Sydney:

Sydney is always amazed that peoples think that agents can’t be bad agents because they is nice peoples. Just because you likes having drinks with somebody at convention bar is no reason to sleep with them without protections (this is all hypotheticals of course, Sydney is “fixed”) or make them signer on yours checking account.

Look at Sydney. Sydney is bad agent, sures (and prouds of it!) but she is also sweet little kitty. Warm and soft. Purrs so loud you can hear in next state. Likes chin rubs, scritches, and warm laps. But down deep (okay, no so far down in Sydney’s case!), self-interest rules!

Sydney wants treats. Sydney wants litter box cleaned. SYDNEY WANTS TUNA! And when Sydney wants, what you wants is not toos important! Sure, Sydney is nice little kitty, but if Sydney is hungry enough, and yous lay on the floor still long enough, SYDNEY WILL EAT YOU!! This is way of the world, silly peoples!

So many, maybe most bad agents start out as good people. But one day the cash is short, the electrics bill is overdues, the rent is behind, and agent needs moneys for postage. And there is foreign rights check in in-box. Client doesn’t even know it is theres, and agent knows plenty of cash coming down pipeline to pay back! Where is harm! For writer, money in two weeks will still be money out of nowhere! They still thrilled! Agent is hero, and bills get paid! Where is harm!

Except next week, needs more money to pay back other money, and there is other checks sittings in inbox, stupid hopeful writers pounding at door who would be happy to pay reading or editing fees, and royalty statements that could just “disappear.”

Always, what is harms? Just a little here and there. Always intends to pay back. Agent surely deserves it for all things they do! Just “borrow” for a few days, a month, a year, until “things turn around…”

Sydney does not know if power really corrupts, but it sure doesn’t hurt! And many writers gives their agents absolute power over their money and affairs. Is very, very tempting, even for “nice peoples.”

And now business is changings. Agents’ future place in world us uncertain. EVERYBODY is hungry. And there is all these writers, laying there — very still.

Yum.

Is good to be me… PURRRR!

(Sydney originally posts this as comment on blog of crazy-writer-lady Kristine Kathryn Rusch, who is always talkings about writing business, educating writers, and spoiling Sydney's evil plans! Do not even go to her blog at www.KristineKathrynRusch.com DON'TS!!!)

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - What's Yours is Mine

2011-01-27T04:51:00.000-08:00

Sydney:

Sydney is very excited! Sydney has a new client! Writer comes to Sydney with novel they wanted to sell to New York, but here is twist: Book is already a top seller!!!

Here is deal. Writer has already published novel as ebook on Kindle and Nook and other ebook-things. Turns out to be big seller, and gets lots of attention, even press! Sells lots of copies and makes lots of money! But client is romantic. Despite all this money, does not think she is really "published" until she has agent and sells to New York!

Writers with stars in eyes make Sydney purr! They is putty in Sydney's paws! Sydney plays it cool, and licks her paws for a while before saying "yes" to client! Client is so grateful, she is ready to clean Sydney's litter box!

Novel is easy sell. Book has proven track record, and proven appeal! Publishers line up, and Sydney has auction! Advance is good! Of course, writer loses out big time on royalties, but Sydney does not care, because she gets cut! All Sydney really cares is that SHE makes money!!!

Publisher also agrees to let writer keep selling their ebook version, because publisher wants to ~~piss on~~ edit and revise book so much, their version will be much different. Why they want to fix what is working? Sydney does not know! Lots of work for writer, but it not Sydney's problem!

But Sydney is annoyed. Writer's self-published ebooks still sell, and what's in it for Sydney? Sydney tells client they gots to pay her 10% commission on ebooks she didn't touch and didn't sell!

Grateful writer goes for it, hook, line, and tuna! Sydney wins! Gots writer coming and going! Sydney is genius!

Is good to be me! PURRRRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Wisdom of the Day: Sydney's Almost-Certain-To-Get-You-Pre-published-Writing-School

2010-12-31T01:16:00.000-08:00

Sydney:

Good news! Sydney is starting a writing school for would-be clients! If you're not good enough for Sydney to read out of slush, you is still plenty good enough to give Sydney money to learns how to write!

If you pays to go through Sydney's writing school, Sydney almost certainly promises to put your submissions back in her slush pile, maybes near the top! Slush pile is not quite tall enough to get Sydney into prime afternoon sunny spot!

Of course, Sydney cannot teach you. First, she is busy napping on top of slush-pile. Seconds, she is just a little cat, and cannot write.

So Sydney needs to hire some writing instructors! How to find peoples? Hmmm. Sydney has heard that if you go to Home Depot parking lot in the morning, you can hire people there...

Get your moneys ready! Sydney will be right back!

PURRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: A Drop in the Water Bowl

2010-10-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Dear client,

Yes, you is right. Sydney has made some little mistake in handling your money! Maybe she forgot to send your share that royalty check, or those monies from that foreign-rights sale, or that low-dollar Hollywood option. And maybe while she was at it, maybe she forgot to send along royalty statement or other paperwork that would give you some idea you was even owed money. Thing is, some money that maybe should have gone to you didn't.

You caught me! Mys bad! Hey! Mistakes are made!

But it was not a big mistake. Just a little check! Maybe a hundred bucks. Maybe a little more. Maybe a little less. Certainly not enough to worry your pretty little head over! Just a drop! Just a drop!

But you is just one client. Sydney has many clients. Hundreds clients! A drop here. A drop there. It adds up!

Hmmm. Sydney's water bowl is suddenly overflowing! How did this happen?

Is good to be me!

PURRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - I like to Mingle

2010-08-04T03:44:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Yesterday, person says to me, "Sydney, do you co-mingle your personal, business, and client funds? I've heard this can lead to trouble."

You want to know what causes trouble? CLIENTS! Also people who ask snoopy questions! (Snoopy as in intrusive, not Snoopy as in CARTOON DOG!)

But Sydney will answer anyway. Sydney has no secrets. None she will tell you about anyway.

Sydney does not co-mingle funds. Sydney puts all funds in blender and hits LIQUEFY button! All funds completely mixed into unidentifiable mess!

What? You says you has payment coming? Well sure, just look in here and point at it! What? Why you look so confused? While you figure it out, Sydney will pour a big glass of assets for herself! Oh! You are too slow! Blender empty now!

Doing this makes it much easier for Sydney to answer all financial questions and/or charges with her stock answer: "Huh?"

Is good to be me!

PURRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Poetry

2010-07-19T09:15:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

"Oh angry client on voice mail,
UR a kink in Sydney's tail,
O how I wish U'd go away,
I will NOT take your call today!"

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: Theory of Relativity

2010-07-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Silly writers think that value of their manuscript (and by extension, themselves) is absolute. It maybe be good, or it may be bad, or may be somewhere in-between, but whatever it is, it is, today, tomorrow, and the next.

Pssh! Is all a bunch of cat-sand! Value of manuscript can only be determined in the context of the here-and-now in Sydney's world!

Now, you might might think this has to do with publishing market. Vampire books is hot one day, maybe glut the next. Good theory! But this would mean that Sydney is keeping tabs on publishing market, and that is too much work. No fun either, so she does not do.

No, it means that importance of every manuscript goes up and down relative to Sydney's workload. If Sydney has Big Deal going that requires all her attention, every other manuscript in her office looks just a little bit more like crap.

If Sydney has a big back-log of slush (and when does she not?), all looks like crap.

If Sydney has too-many clients clamoring for her attention and approval (and since Sydney loves money, Sydney always has more clients than she can shake a catnip-mouse at) then everything in office start to get a certain stink about it.

What is funny is, people put so much value in Sydney's approval, when all this is TOTALLY BEYOND THE WRITER'S CONTROL! All control is Sydney's in how many clients she takes on, how eagerly she seeks new clients, how she manages her time, and of course, how many naps she takes! ALL POWER IS SYDNEY'S!

This is just one more more way that writers willingly hand over power over their lives and careers to Bad Agent Sydney, and not even know!

Is good to be me!

PURRRRRRRRRRR!

Literary Agent Cocktail

2010-07-04T02:33:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Somebody has come up with recipe for a "Literary Agent Cocktail." Seems like a real agent in that it is bitter, difficult, and over-complicated. On the other hand, Sydney thinks that any drink can be improved by the addition of tuna juice. In fact, any drink that has anything OTHER than tuna juice or fresh water is bad, and not in a good way, so that whole idea is out.

Just the same, maybe you will want to give it a try. Here's the post on MediaBistro.com, with a link to the actual recipe. Enjoy. LITERARY AGENT COCKTAIL.

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Writer-cat photo contest winner, Sumo (and his writer person, Kay Kenyon)

2010-06-10T01:06:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Has been a while since Sydney posted writer-cat photo winner. Too sad. But life goes on, and is time for Sydney to get back on the horse. (Okay, in Sydney's case, is more like "get back on the pillow.") So Sydney goes looking through her files of entries and finds good one!

This is Sumo, cat-supervisor of writer Kay Kenyon. Read about Kenyon-person at www.KayKenyon.com.

But is Sumo's picture that wins Sydney over. Look at this sweet face! Reminds Sydney of her enforcer, Mr. Oz, if Mr. Oz were not a cruel and merciless agent of pain and chaos.

Also has blue eyes! Look! Pretty!

PRIZE TIME! Treat for Sydney! Hey, Kenyon, go gives Sumo treat! You know that one he likes! While you doing, we looks at your note!

Not only is Sumo good-looking cat, Kenyon-person says he is wise too! Here is her letter:

My overlord is Sumo. We met at the pound one summer day in 2001, and it's been undying devotion (on my part) ever since. He's taught me much about writing and napping. Here are some of his unforgettable principles:

Be inscrutable. Never tell what you're working on. You know, people just aren't that into you. Make 'em wait.

Kill mice. Those little pattering feet of negative thoughts? Pounce and kill.

Race around the yard. Sitting at the keyboard will ruin your back and give you carpal tunnel or whatever. Stay in shape, people.

Be arrogant. Never let 'em see you sweat. The business is tough enough without being pegged as a whiner.

Sharpen your nails. Study your craft. Read how-to books, go to conferences. Stop whining.

Isn't he darling?

Hecks, yeah he is! Big kitty-congrats to winner Sumo! ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! See link at bottom of message to find shelter near you where CAT SUPERVISION IS WAITING! GO!

PURRRRR!

(Hey, Sydney always welcomes new writer-cat photo entries! Send picture (try to limit to one or two per entry) with text about stuff like how your cat came to supervise you, why they is so special, or how they supervise your writing! Email here. Be patient! Sydney keeps file of entries, and picks her favorite each time!)

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: Client Reflux

2010-06-07T16:50:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

A while back this writer, we'll call him "Chump," sent Sydney a manuscript, asking for representation. Sydney sees how she could put special Sydney "touch" on it, but she had just thrown up on another writer's book, and didn't have it in her that day. So she passed.

Now is six months later. Chump writer is back! So is Chump writer's book, looking just like last time Sydney saw it! Only one thing different: writer submitted book themselves and have a 3-book offer from major publisher! Now Chump wants Sydney to take them on as client and negotiate the deal!

Sydney's reaction is obvious: HECKS NO!!!!!

"But," you says, "Sydney, this is free money! Almost no work, and you hate work!"

This is true, but there is one thing more important than money to Sydney... Okay, tuna. TWO things more important than money to Sydney, and the second one is SYDNEY'S EGO! How can stupid writer think they could sell manuscript without Sydney's "improvements?" Then, to adds insults to injuries, Chump GOES AHEAD AND DOES IT!

Stupid publisher buys book that agent didn't "fix?" This is crazy-talk, and Sydney is angry at them too. No sending ANY clients manuscripts to them for long time! (Not that Sydney ever sends up much of anything anyway...)

But still, Sydney thinks: FREE MONEY. FREE MONEY THAT CAN BE USED TO BUY TUNA. But what about Sydney's ego?

So Sydney has plan. Agrees she will represent deal, but ONLY if SHE is allowed to revise books first. (Ate some funny-colored cat-kibble from bottom of old bag this morning, and am ready to RUMBLE!) Is perfect plan! Goes down like this!

Publisher likes revised book better, or at least doesn't hate it so much to kill deal. Sydney's wonderfulness vindicated!

-or (more likely) -

Publisher rejects revised book, Sydney drops them as client, Chump's reputation ruined, Chump punished, publisher punished! Sydney rules as master-manipulator of publishing! Yay, Sydney! (Sure, loses free money, but is no worse off than doing nothing.)

You may think that Chump will never go for it, but you never know. They was silly enough to come back to Sydney in the first place!

It is good to me me!

PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - I Love Commas

2010-05-26T23:05:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Client came to Sydney recently wanting Sydney to track down missing royalty statements on her low-mid-list book. What? Like Sydney has nothing better to do?

Why Sydney not care? If there is money, Sydney gets cut, right?

Trouble is, this is not big book. If there is money, and this is only if, it is what Sydney calls "no comma money." This means a number with no comma in it. Sure, this could be big deal for author, but Sydney only gets 15% So for Sydney, even comma money could be as little as $150! That will not even pay this week's tuna bill!

Sydney is all about the bottom line, and your little checks is not that! Sure, little checks add up, but so does work! SYDNEY DOES NOT WANT WORK! Sydney has no time for your little, tiny concerns!

You is not worth my time little peoples!

This is so upsetting, Sydney will have to go take naps now. Sorry clients! No work for you today!

PURRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Special Memorial Writer Cat Photo Winner - Ezri Dax

2010-05-07T03:35:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Sydney is behind on her cat photo winner postings, and is feeling especially bad about it today. Word has reached Sydney's office of recent, sad passing of most-excellent writer-supervision-cat Ezri Dax, who looked after writers Kristine Rusch and Dean Wesley Smith.

Sydney has had picture of Ezri here for some time and had been planning to make winner, but fell behind. Now is too late for her to win treats, and this makes Sydney very sad.

Sydney did not know Ezri well, though Sydney comes from the same neighborhood. Somehow our paths not cross. Traveled in different circles, I guess, or different levels. But as regular readers know, Kristine Rusch is big pain in Sydney's side most of the time, and Hat-man Smith is always making with the crazy-writer-talk, and takes extra special kitty to supervise writers such as these!

Sydney is very sad for them that they do not have wonderful Ezri to tell them what to do any more. Fortunately, they have other excellent cats to supervise them too. Apparently, they is so bad that even wonderful cat like Ezri Dax could not manage them alone! Sydney has pictures of other kitties and will post soon, but today is all about Ezri!

So here is picture of Ezri Dax. ALL READERS GIVE TREATS TO YOUR KITTIES IN EZRI'S HONOR! DO NOW!

Sydney buries hatchet (for today) and sends sympathy rubs to Kris-lady and Hat-man.

SNIFF!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Conference Confusion

2010-05-06T23:11:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Sydney has heard that some people are confused about what to do at writer's conferences. Some silly people think they should be learning about craft, talking to other writers, learning business, listening to editors.

NO STUPID PEOPLES! ALL IS ABOUT GETTING AGENT! WITHOUT AGENT IS NO POINT! CAN NOT SELL BOOK WITHOUT AGENT! NO POINT IN WRITING BOOK WITHOUT AGENT! GET PRIORITIES STRAIGHT!!!!

Focus all attention on agents! Ignore editors! Ignore writers! LISTEN ONLY TO WHAT AGENTS SAY! Do what necessary to curry agent favor and attention! Flattery! Gifts! Whipped-cream bikini! TUNA!

Remember: WITHOUT AGENT, U IS NOTHING!

Now, we got that straight...

PURRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Writer-Cat Photo Winner: Editor Kitteh

2010-04-23T13:14:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Time for another writer-cat photo winner! Sydney gets many entries to her contest. (And more is always welcome! Send to me HERE!) Sometimes people send long stories about how they got their writer-supervision-kitties, or letters from kitties themselves. But sometimes not so many words. Sometimes send many pictures. Sometimes not so many. Sometimes not need. This is one of those times.

Winner is Editor Kitteh, who supervises writer David Bara. Time for prizes! Treats for me! (Greenies! Yum!) David, you give treats to Editor Kitteh! We look at what you send! Sydney's favorite picture! This says it all!

Remember, ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Not got yet? Go to animal shelter near you! Find in link at bottom of this post! GO NOW!

PURRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Just a Few Things

2010-04-21T15:06:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Dear new client:

Welcome to the "Really Bad Literary Agency family! Sydney loves to discover dazzling new talent, but she has found you instead, and so will run with what she has got.

Sydney is really impressed with your first submission! Sees great best-seller potential here! Loves everything about it!

Except, of course, everything. First problem with your cozy mystery is protagonist is marathon-running senior-citizen lady. Sydney hears young-adult is very hot right now, so make lady 15. Also, running hard work and sweaty. Not cool with teens. Make her international nail-polish model. Probably just a few lines of fix. You okay with that, right?

Also, murder not so good with teens. Change crime to who stole secret new nail-polish color. Pretty much same thing right? Also, change gruff police detective to sexy werewolf with sparkle-glitter in hair, make best friend into magic angel, and change setting from Boston to Paris.

But otherwise, is perfect!

Except it isn't. Needs that special "professional polish" that can only come from experienced book-doctor, such as -- oh, don't know -- maybe Mr. Oz, professional book doctor that Sydney has certainly never met before or had any business relationship with, yet has complete confidence in and insists you use!

Mr. Oz - Professional book-shredder --er-- doctor!

Of course this will be small largish fee for his professional services, and certainly none of it will be kicked-back to Sydney's pocket. Probably.

Well, not much anyway.

For large values of "not much."

Anyhow, Mr. Oz has never published book, of course, or been an editor, or worked in publishing industry at all, but spends most of time with people who actually speak English, and therefore is fully qualified to tell you how to improve books! Also, his claws are very sharp.

When Mr. Oz returns book to you, bring pieces back to Bad Agent Sydney for reading and further comments. Sydney is sure she will LOVE everything about it!

Except....

PURRRRRRRR!

Parnell Hall on how to write mystery. Hysterical!! http://bit.ly/9fnSoRBad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Writer-cat photo contest winner, the Jennifer Stakes Kitty Crew!

2010-04-16T12:44:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Sorry I has not posted much this week. Lady-who-feeds-me-tuna has been big-sick, and needed cat-laying-upon. Is hard work, but somebody has to do it! So, no time for Tweets or Blogs or Clients this week!

Fortunately, lady is feeling much better and went to work today, leaving Sydney some time for new writer-cat photo contest winner!

Hard to pick this week! So many good entries (still can use more though, SEND!) to choose from. But finally found one that works. Is good and timely, and best of all, KITTENS! Just can't go wrong with kittens!

Here some background (pay attention all you writers who lack proper cat supervision!): This weekend, Petco pet stores having National Pet Adoption Event. That mean that Petco near you have many pets needing good writer homes! Mentioned this on twitter, and Jennifer Stakes tweets me this:

@badagentsydney My fostered PileOfKittens are at @Petco now waiting for their Forever Homes. Miss their literary geniusness.

So, Sydney retweets to tell people that there are EXPERIENCED writer-supervision kitties out there for adoption! But only just now did Sydney make connection that she has PICTURES of experience writer-supervision kitties in her contest folder!

Duh! Sydney is not very organized sometimes! Is special bad-agent super-power!

Anyway, here is picture! Treats for me! But Jennifer cannot give foster-kitties treats, cuz' is already at Petco! BEST TREATS FOR WINNERS GREAT NEW HOMES! SYDNEY SAYS IT MUST BE SO!

So treats for you, Jennifer, for taking care of future-writer-kitties! Greenies, tuna, Ben and Jerry's, whatever you like!

Anyway, here is what kitty Cinnamon writes about Jennifer and friends!:

Hallo Sydney!

This is me, Cinnamon, and my writer-human Jen. I am five-and-a-half weeks old and Jen is older but she still needs kitten supervision! You can see in the picture that I am watching her laptop screen from my place on her comfy shoulder and every time an adverb sneaks into her novel I say "MEW" and she says, "Thank you clever Cinnamon for your kitten geniusness" and deletes it. Treats for me!

Here is me as well with my three brothers and sisters: Ginger, Nutmeg and Pepper. Ginger is really good at pointing out when Jen-writer-human does silly English spelling cos she is in America now and can't go round putting 'u's into words like 'color'. Tuh. Nutmeg is awesome at commas and Pepper knows totally everything about apostrophes. But I is Queen of Adverbs!

Jen-writer-human is only our Foster Mum (Mom! - Ginger - Silly Brit laydee!) and she fosters all sorts of literary kitties until they find their Forever Homes. She can't have a Forever Kitty right now cos she'll be going back to Engyland sometime.

We were found in a box in a car park (Parking lot! - Ginger) all on our ownsomes by a nice lady who took us to Pet Rescue of Maryland. They phoned Jen-writer-human and said "Lucky you! Super literary kittens want to live with you for a little bit!" So Jen-writer-human gives us our medication and feeds us up until we are well enough to be adopted by our Forever Humans. In return, she gets Kitten Supervision. Bargain deal for her!

You can see some of the other Literary Kitties who have supervised her at the Pet Rescue of Maryland website: http://www.petrescueofmd.org/ You might even want to adopt one of them for your very own writer supervision!

We also have other skills such as: pulling all the tissues out of the tissue box and shredding them; getting shut in kitchen cupboards and squeaking until relieved writer-human finds us; being AWESOME CUTE and sleeeeping in a big pile. See? Very talented kittens. Jen-writer-human is one lucky writer!

Love and kitten treats,
Cinnamon, Kitten Supervisor of Jen-writer-human (www.twitter.com/Jenzarina)

See! Jennifer big hero in literary cat world! Okay, one more cute kitten picture for road:

MARYLAND WRITER PEOPLES! GO GIVE THESE CATS GOOD HOMES!

Everybody else, go to local Petco NOW, or find animal shelter near you using link at bottom of message! ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!

GO!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Writer-cat photo contest winner, Allie cat

2010-04-09T10:50:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Hey, writer peoples! Sorry Sydney not post so much this week. Very busy abusing her clients and not have time! She knows you live for her wise council, and will try to abuse and misinform you better in the future!

But for now, here's a new winner in our very-important, ongoing, Writer-cat Photo Contest! (Still time to enter! Always time to enter! Send pictures and info about how cat helps you write, along with info about writer and books if you want to Sydney@BadAgent.me Sydney reads all your entries!)

Anyway, today's winner: Allie Cat, as sent in by writer Lyn Worthen! Big prize! Treats for Sydney! Also treats for Allie Cat. You go give, Lyn. We look at picture while you gone...

Allie Cat's entry comes with important life-lessons that Sydney will explain later. Here's what Lyn says about Allie Cat:

My dear Sydney -

While we all know that you are the ultimate inspiration for writers and their cats everywhere, I would like to tell you a little story about the cat who owns me.

Allie Cat found us in the park eleven years ago, and graciously decided to bless our lives with her presence ever since. She has made the back of the couch her castle, from which she observes with disdain the birds and small children who frequently clutter our front yard, and has even gone so far as to teach our dog to catch mice and walk on the back of furniture.

When I, in my foolishness, decided to set up a private desk where I could work on my writing away from the general hubub of the household, Allie graced it with her presence -- reminding me that the spot I had chosen was, in fact, occupying one of her favorite sunny spots (I have attached a photo of Allie, as she lay stretched out across the desk).

I've since moved my desk into the corner, and returned ownership of the sunny spot to Allie (as rightful owner). I even put the couch back, for her lazing-about pleasure. Hopefully, if I brush and pet her enough while watching episodes of Lost, the old Sherlock Holmes series, and other movies of her choosing, I'm confident that she will eventually forgive me for my disgraceful error in judgment.

I hope you find Allie to be as inspirational as I did!

with fondest regard,

Lyn W

Thanks, Lyn! Treats for you, too! Go get!

Okay, what we learn here?

A: ALL SUNNY SPOTS BELONG TO THE KITTY! IMPORTANT!

B: SOME DOGS NEED CAT SUPERVISION, AND MAY BE MILDLY TRAINABLE! Sydney is skeptical about this, personally, but other cats say it is so.

and of course...

C: ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! MANY HOMELESS CATS WAITING AND READY TO SUPERVISE YOU! FIND SHELTER NEAR YOU USING LINK BOTTOM OF MESSAGE! FIND CAT! POSSIBLY TRAINABLE DOG! DO NOW! GO!

There. That taken care of. Also Lyn say one more thing.

p.s. I also hope you enjoyed the tin of Fancy Feast tuna that I left for you at the recent Novel workshop at the -- it was on the shelf, next to the full-size photo of you that adorned the upstairs
lounge. It just seemed fitting (I had to go before I could make sure it was delivered). Check with your people :)

What she talking about? Well, cardboard stand-in Sydney (Sydney does not make personal appearances, but sometimes sends 2-dimensional surrogate) made personal appearance at writer's workshop recently, and Lyn was there. When nobody looking, LYN SNEAKS IN AND LEAVES OFFERING AT ALTAR OF CARDBOARD SYDNEY!

Big points for imagination and initiate there! Only next time, Sydney wants REAL tuna, not this "cat food" stuff. Chunk light, water pack, dolphin-safe. No albacore. (Sydney concerned about mercury and saving fishes for future kitties to eat!)

Anything worth doings is worth doings right! Nice try though.

Is good to be me.

PURRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: Banking on Fees

2010-04-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Let Sydney ask you this: How is Bad Agent Sydney like a bank?

Well, you might be saying that is because Sydney is financial institution that writers run all income through and trust to cash pay-checks and transfer money to them, and you'd be right.

But banks big buildings with safes in the back, and are regulated and insured, whereas Sydney is a little cat who lives in a cube made of rip-stop nylon and operates out of P.O. Box. So that analogy breaks down pretty fast.

"The Bank of Sydney Building"

No, real reason Sydney is like bank is, MAKES MOST OF MONEY ON FEES!

When Sydney signs new client, she had them sign service agreement (Shipping weight, 6 pounds! Shipping fee applies!) which includes list of service fees Sydney charges.

What? You think 15% of gross and whatever else I can skim not enough? HA on you!

For example, suppose you gots $20,000 advance check here. Sydney puts in her bank (the kind with building and insurance!). Gets to keep $3000 for her commission. Treats for her! PURRR!

Oh, wait! Client wants money? What's your hurry, you? Sydney is making interest here! What? Something about foreclosure and life-saving medication? Okay, okay, Sydney will send.

But this is not in Sydney's accounting cycle! Sydney cuts checks once month whether she needs to or not. You just missed! What? Still want your money?

Okay, $25 Special Check Charge.

What? Having problems with mail theft in your area? Want Sydney should send courier? Okay, okay. Grumble. $30 special shipping charge.

(Later)

What? You no get check? Maybe Sydney forgot to send. Maybe Sydney send it in an envelope and a stamp and your postman ate it. But Sydney is not telling you any of this! You want ANOTHER check?

Okay, that be $25 Special Check Charge.

Also $20 charge to cancel missing check. Bad writer you! This will make sure you never ask for your money again!

Also $30 Special Shipping Charge.

(Later)

What, you still no get? You in luck! New check is in accounting cycle this time! No charge!

But $20 missing check charge.

$30 special shipping...

Etc.

Is good to be me!

PURRRRRR!
Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Writer-cat photo contest winner, Veronica, also her person Rory Miller

2010-04-02T11:09:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Okay, Sydney has been slacking off this last week. Has not posted new writer-cat photo winners. Well, slacking off is what Sydney does best! Hey, sometimes, abusing clients takes up alls my time. No times to abuse you guys!

Anyway, Sydney needed a treat, so here's new winner! (First prize in contest? Sydney gets treat! Hey, my contest, my rules. I'M'S A CAT!)

Entry sent in by writer-person Rory Miller. Him's write book called "Meditations on Violence." Sounds serious, Rory. Lighten up! Cat help with that! Rory's has website: http://chirontraining.com. Also has blog at http://chirontraining.blogspot.com

Anyway, here's picture. Prize for Veronica! (Other first-prize in contest, Veronica gets treat! Rory gives! Go get treat, Rory. We look at picture and read ur note!)

Rory writes caption (like I says: serious!):

Have problems with BUC (butt in chair)? Veronica makes sure author Rory Miller stays put during writing time. "If writer not write, NO TUNA 4 ME! Writrfail! Kitteh must have tuna."

See! Now this is what Sydney calls proper writer supervision! ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! GET YOUR SUPERVISION TODAY! FIND LOCAL SHELTER USING LINK AT BOTTOM OF MESSAGE!

Rory also writes:

The Miller family adopted Veronica after her former owners gave her up for adoption due to health problems. Veronica is now healthy and thriving in her two writer household.

Ill or special needs animals might require foster families because many shelters often won't adopt out sick animals, and they have limited space set aside for them. Some veterinarians offer low cost
or free support for ill or injured animals that arrive at shelters, but the need often overwhelms resources. If you'd like to help, ask your local shelter for more details.

Hey, also kind of serious, Rory, but heart in right place! Some kitties has special needs, but still full of love and WRITER SUPERVISION! Is you the kind of special writer they needs? GO HELP! NOW! U WILL B REWARDED! Maybe Sydney even gives you a Greenie! GO!

That is all. Sydney back soon with more wisdom and photo winners. Right after nap...

PURRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Keeping Score

2010-03-31T03:59:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Hey, sports fans, one of the things Bad Agent Sydney like best about being agent is the scoring system.

It like this: Sydney gets credit for every deal that goes through Sydney's office. People only interested in this, "what Sydney does," not how well she does it.

What that mean? Well, say that Sydney sells a book (this has never happened, but could!) to major publisher. Gets credit, plus rep as that agent who can sell to major publishers!

Now, say Sydney and her book-doctor Mr. Oz rewrites all client's books and they don't sell. Nobody notice but client! No points against Sydney!

Or say, new writer walks in door with a fat offer from a publisher. Sydney handles contract. Gets credit, plus reputation as that agent who gets the big-money deals!

Now, say Sydney forgets to read contract carefully. Leaves in bad reversion and sub-rights clauses that will bite client in ass years down line. Nobody notice but client (and maybe not them!). No points against Sydney!

Say studio head's secretary reads book on plane and tells him what it about. He looks at picture on cover and likes lady with boobies. Movie deal comes out of nowhere. Sydney handles contract. Sydney gets credit, plus reputation as "that agent who gets Hollywood deals!"

Now, say Sydney doesn't know Hollywood and offers to take half the money for percentage of gross. Forgets that through "magic bookkeeping," Hollywood movies never make money on paper. Whoops! Nobody notices till movie comes out and is old news. No points against Sydney!

Say big-shot writer gets tired of her bad agent and fires them. Looks around. Sydney got reputation as deal-maker! Also cute and soft to pet! Big-shot signs with Sydney, and brings tons of automatic sales to Sydney's office!

Sydney locks in long-term contracts and coasts on big-shot's sales for years, long after big-shot notices Sydney is bad-agent and moves along. Big-shot's books stay in-print forever! Sydney lists big-shot on web-site as client forever! Makes money off those contracts forever! Score, score, score for Sydney!

Sydney's successes are noticed (even when they aren't really hers). Her mistakes usually aren't (and may not be discovered for years, if ever). If you are catching on that Sydney would have to work to lose under this scoring system, you see why Sydney is happy-agent-kitty!

Nobody asks, was that deal well negotiated? Was that a good contract? Could that big deal have been bigger, or at least, better? Writers is doo-doo-brains, and never looks or thinks beyond the surface of the deal they read about in Publisher's Lunch!

So easy for Sydney to build reputation as deal-maker, and reputation is like a big old check that Sydney can take right to the bank!

Is good to be me!

PURRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

A Tale of Two Sydneys

2010-03-26T01:11:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Two things happen today to get Sydney's hackles up, so Sydney is here to set some things straight about who, and what, Sydney is!

First, is yet another case of celebrity hanger-on writing "tell-all" full of lies! Peon-who-feeds-me-tuna J. Steven York writes post today on his "blog" about "where he gets the ideas for Bad Agent Sydney!" The nerve!

Nobody "gets ideas" for Sydney! This is as silly as theory that writers can "sell" books without agent intervention and improvement! Peon writes like Sydney is just a little cat and he makes up words for Sydney! Pion is a big, fat, poopie-head!

Sydney is not just a little cat! Sydney is big-cat-agent! Write all her own words, and half of client's words! (My book-doctor, Mr. Oz, writes the rest.)

Truth is, J. Steven York is just a big-old stupid, and Sydney writes all words for HIM! "Big Stupid Steven," is just character she makes up for him! Big funny! Has his own web site and Twitter account and everything! HA! Good joke!

Enough about that. (GO GET ME TUNA, PEON!)

Other thing upset Sydney today is again, some writer calls Sydney "he!" LISTEN WRITERS! SYDNEY IS DAINTY LITTLE GIRL KITTY! DON'T MAKE HER COME OVER AND READJUST YOUR FACE!

People is confused by Sydney's name, but Sydney is perfectly good girl name. Here story of how Sydney gets it. When Sydney came to live with lady-who-feeds-me-tuna Christina York, she was writing books based on "Alias" TV show. Saw that, even as kitten, Sydney was kick-ass and in-charge, so she names me after kick-ass super-spy "Sydney Bristow," played by Jennifer Garner.

See picture? Surprised you never noticed resemblence.

What? You still no see? How about now?

PURRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Favorites

2010-03-24T13:51:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Silly writers think agents treat all clients the same. Stupid to think they should. Stupid to think they do.

Here is fact of life: Agents play favorites.

Sometimes not even mean to. It just, whoever is making you money today is going get attention. What you open first in mail, bills, or envelopes with checks? See?

Sometimes, it not even who is making me money. Is who is making me money with the least grief. Sliding scale of grief vs. money is real factor in picking Sydney's favorite.

Which brings us to who is Sydney's least favorite, the one whose calls get returned last. This is clients that cause Sydney trouble. Sydney does not like trouble. Is work without making money, and Sydney much prefers making money without work.

Very often, trouble is not author's fault. Is editor's fault. Is publisher's fault. Is somebody else's fault. But not writer.

Does not matter. Trouble-stink is all over them, and these are Sydney's goats-of-the-day.

Yes, Sydney said "day."

Sydney is fickle. Always your friend when big checks come in and big deals are about to close. Maybe next day you is trouble with no check, and Sydney is always "in the litter box" when you call.

But you says, "agents should treat all clients the same, and give them equal time and attention."

Sydney says, "You don't like it, call the Happy Fairy Police and have them send the Easter Bunny down to arrest me."

PURRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - The Gate Swings Both Ways

2010-03-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

You would think greatest power writers give to Bad Agent Sydney is the power to say "yes" for them.

"Yes, we will do this book."

"Yes, we will take this deal."

"Yes, we will sell these movie rights."

But this is not true! Biggest power Sydney has is to say, "no."

"No, we will not do this book."

"No, this is not enough money for us to bother with."

"No, we will not sell these rights."

Reason is, client will, later if not sooner, find out when Sydney says, "yes."

But very, very often, Sydney can say "no," and writer will never hear about it. Never know the deals they missed, the opportunities they passed, or the decisions about their careers that were taken out of their hands.

Oh, sorry! Not "taken." Decisions about their careers that were given to Bad Agent Sydney.

When agents are set up as gatekeepers, we gots keys to both sides of the gate!

Is good to be in charge!

PURRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Writer Cat Photo Winner: Editor Kitty and human F.I. Goldhaber

2010-03-19T13:09:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Sydney has been busy not working this week, and not posting much. Need more ideas for bad things do writers! You help! Email Sydney your bad-agent stories, suggestions, and questions! Do now! sydney@badagent.me

Meanwhile, time for new writer-photo contest winner! (Not too late to enter! Email Sydney pictures and stories! Address back there dummy!)

Pairs of Poems

This one sent in by cat-assistant-human-person F.I. Goldhaber. Goldharber got book of poems out:

Buy book here. Help supply cat treats.

Anyway, here the good part! New winner! Prize: Treats for Sydney! (My contest, my rules!) Yum! Also treats for winning cat, "Editor Kitty!" Go get, F.I.! We look at picture and read your note while you gone!

F.I. person writes:

Here is a picture of Editor Kitty. "She is done with your manuscript now." Her preferred sleeping spot (when the sun isn't on the bed) is a cloth Powell's bag.

Technically, she supervises my husband, Joel, who is also (when he's not studying to be a nurse) my writing partner.

But she and I have an "arrangement." If she doesn't abuse my frail 16-year-old cat all day, she gets a Greenie. She also gets Greenies for hunting spiders. She always appreciates extra Greenies.

Spiders and Greenies! Two great tastes that taste great together! Yum! You lucky kitty, Editor Kitty, but F.I. and hubby even luckier to have you! ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!

SEE PEOPLE! YOU NEED CAT, EDIT YOUR MANUSCRIPT AND KILLS YOUR SPIDERS! MANY GOOD EDITORIAL CATS NEEDS HOMES! FIND SHELTER NEAR YOU! CLICK LINK AT BOTTOM OF MESSAGE! DON'T FORGET!

Wonder if Editor Kitty does freelance work? Might need another book doctor. Some days, Mr. Oz's claws get tired...

Mmmmm. Now Bad Agent Sydney has craving for spiders. Could do some work for my clients, but think I will stare at crack under front door for three or four hours instead, just in case.

PURRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Conflict of Interest

2010-03-15T16:56:00.000-07:00

Sydney:

Dear client,

Bad news: Sydney has not sent your great new novel manuscript out to anyone!

Good news: Reason is, Sydney has decided to start her own publishing company and has cherry-picked your book to be her first release! You would much rather be published by "Cat Box Books" than by stupid-old Putnam or Random House, right?

Do not worry. Sydney will not charge you much for printing.

No, this is not conflict of interest. Stop thinking that... LOOK!!! OVER THERE!!! A CLOWN!!!!!!

Purrrrrrr....

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

U R Terminated!

2010-03-12T11:57:00.000-08:00

Sydney:

People wonder, "hey Sydney, you work all alone at Really Bad Literary Agency?"

No, silly writers. Sydney is very interactive kitty! Needs peeps to echo and validate her every thought and idea! (Just had one now: Returned check fee for clients WHEN CHECKS I WRITE ARE RETURNED! Peeps! Remind me later how ingenious I is!) And of course, has Mr. Oz, my enforcer when knee-caps need biting or Rottweilers needs roughing up.

Sydney also has sub-agents to scratch up rights in other areas, like her Hollywood agent Mr. Loki.

But at moment, Sydney has no other in-house agents in her agency. Did try once though. Big disaster! Had to show that bum the cat-door! Share a little behind-the-scenes with you here. Here termination letter for big boob. (Names hidden to protect the guilty!)

October 12, 2009

Mr. REDACTED, Agent

Second Desk on the Left

Really Bad Literary Agency

Dear Mr. REDACTED:

It has come to our attention that your recent actions in regards to your new client, Mr. REDACTED, are in direct violation of agency policy. Do we need to remind you, Mr. REDACTED, that you signed a binding agreement with this agency, and that you promised to abide by all agency practices?

In particular, it appears you have bargained in good faith, provided references, and actively participated in negotiating a contract for your client. Further, you have offered career advice without demanding repeated revisions of said client’s manuscripts, and you have followed the client’s instructions as regards various business matters.

Here at the Really Bad Literary Agency we do not do these things. That is our policy, and it works for us. Unfortunately, you have chosen to ignore our procedures. Our agreement allows us to sever our relationship at any time, for any reason, and allows you to buy your way out of the contract with an early termination payment of only 10% of your annual earnings. That’s fair – it is what we offer our clients, after all.

However, there was extra tuna this morning and I am in a good mood. Therefore, I am willing to allow you to terminate our relationship without payment. It saves us both time and effort, and you can offer whatever explanation you prefer to your client to explain your departure. But should you choose to denigrate the agency in any way, my good mood will evaporate quickly.

This is not REDACTED & Cat, Mr. REDACTED. You do not set policy for this agency. If you cannot abide by our agreement, we will expect your resignation forthwith.

Sincerely,

Sydney T. Cat

Owner and Senior Agent

The Really Bad Literary Agency

That's how it went down. You know, sometimes scooping not enough. Got to dump the cat box and start fresh.

PURRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Gatekeeper

2010-03-10T12:56:00.000-08:00

Sydney:

Sydney has set herself up as gatekeeper that writers must pass if ever want get published. Actually, that not true. Sydney do nothing! Writers set her up as gatekeeper. Set all agents up as gatekeeper.

But what is Sydney gatekeeper of? Is no wall between writers and publishing! Obstacle course, maybe, but not wall!

Sure, many publishers say, "not take unagented submissions." This very good for Sydney! Even though she is very bad agent (PURRRR!), people still line up to be her client, because they think she key to gate on nonexistent wall! Makes stupid writers think ANY agent better than no agent at all! Never get published without agent! Everybody know this!

HA! Not true! Stupid writers not think, and this is good for Bad Agents like Sydney! Many ways through non-existent wall! Sure, many publishers not take unagented manuscripts, but not all! Some not take "unsolicited," and this different than "unagented." Send good query letter! Get request for manuscript. Talk to editor at writer's conference! Get request for manuscript or proposal. Enter contests (good contests) that get attention from publishers. Network, do whatever takes to get your best work to editors!

Or (this no big secret) mail book anyway! May not read, but might! Worst thing happen? Throw out! You out paper, ink, and postage! BIG DEAL! Mail next publisher, try again.

Here's the secret: Editors want two things, not read all the cat-box-worthy manuscripts that come in slush, and to READ GREAT NEW BOOKS FROM PEOPLE THEY NEVER HEARD OF! EDITORS NOT TRYING TO KEEP GOOD PEOPLE OUT, JUST CRAP! EDITORS ALWAYS WANT GREAT NEW THING!

Of course, statistics say, you probably crap. But if you think you are not, if others say you good (and not just grandma and that person you pay for sex), then maybe you run obstacle course, get book offer, and THEN you can always get agent! Sydney will be waiting! (But, Sydney supposes, you can also get a GOOD agent if you careful, and if you must!)

Or you can just sit on butt, staring at wall-that-is-not-there, crying about how you never get published. That okay. Editors not want crap, and that make you crap-by-default!

PURRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Lost in Translation

2010-03-08T17:38:00.000-08:00

Sydney:

Stupid writers treat Bad Agent Sydney like telephone. Sydney talk to editor. Editor tell client what editor say, more or less, with that special added Sydney "spin," and stupid writers take as gospel!

STUPID WRITERS! SYDNEY IS NOT TELEPHONE! SYDNEY IS NOT VOICE RECORDER! SYDNEY IS JUST A LITTLE CAT!

But do writers pick up phone to talk directly to editor and verify what Sydney say? No! Do they pick up phone and seek clarification and elaboration? No! Do they send email to avoid errors in translation? No!

Dumb writers. Even with the best of intentions, talking through third parties can result in misunderstandings and problems. Sure, agent should talk to editor. Can ask questions writer can't comfortably ask, brooch issues difficult for writer to bring up. But once this done, if writers were smart, they would follow up and verify EVERYTHING!

Even with best of intentions, stuff happens. Even with big, human-agent brains (overkill you ask me!), agent forget things, misunderstand things, give writer or editor wrong impression of intent. Even with best of intentions, and SYDNEY IS BAD AGENT! NO BEST INTENTIONS HERE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

PURRRRRRR...

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Writer-cat photo contest winners, Lacey, Grady, FlufferBelle and human Mary Jo Putney

2010-03-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

Sydney:

Got new writer-cat photo winner today! Big day! Not one kitty, but three! THIS MEANS BIG PRIZE IS SYDNEY GETS THREE TREATS!!! Also Lacey, Grady, and FlufferBelle. (Sydney thinks this right. From Jo's message, could be other cats name Sofa, Grey Guy, Reggie, and Rascal. Sydney not clear on this, but important to figure out! Could get MORE treats!)

Kitties rescued by writer Mary Jo Putney, who must now give all these kitties, whoever they are TREATS! Get to work Mary Jo! We look at pictures while you gone!

Mary Jo writes this for kitties:

Attached are pictures of Lacey on the Sofa, Grady the Gray Guy, and FlufferBelle. They were SPCA specials--Grady was the full price cat, Lacey the half price puss. Grady and the Fluffster both have pictures by the monitor which show who they help me with my writing. Grady, having a Y chromosome and much confidence, is relaxed about the newer rescues, FlufferBelle and Reggie The Rascal. Lacey, being high strung, hates them both and has a yowl that will peel paint. Despite the drama queen antics, though, they rub along reasonably well.

- Mary Jo Putney, who thinks that cats channel creativity from the astral plane

Sydney does not know about "Astral Plane." She is saving up to buy Gulfstream full of Tuna though. ("Gulfstream full of tuna" like a big, tasty, pun that flies though, so that pretty creative I guess.)

Even with many cats to help, Mary Jo writes many books, sells many books. See, here's one she write:

No cat on cover though (just dressy people with no heads!), so probably not very good! Still, she sell, writers! Maybe you go rescue three kitties, give good homes, you sell too!

Also, go buy Mary Jo's books! Help support her kitties! Need new bathrooms so everybody has own sink! GO! BUY NOW! I WAIT!

Okay, now go adopt kitties overlords of your own! Find shelter near you using link at bottom of message! IS AT BOTTOM OF EVERY MESSAGE SYDNEY POSTS NOW! WHY SOME YOU NOT GOT KITTY SUPERVISION YET!?!

(Homeless kitties! Hang on! Sydney is working fast as can! Stupid writers! Is like herding -- well -- cats...)

- Syd

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Ego

2010-03-05T17:17:00.000-08:00

Sydney:

Bad Agent Sydney's ego depends on her being center of universe, and thus, she must occasionally extend her munificence to others in order to demonstrate it.

She reads your manuscript: Doing you favor.

She takes you as client: Doing you BIG favor!

She returns your calls: Doing you BIG, BIG favor!

She actually sends something out for you, doing you HUGE favor!

The more important the little things Sydney does are, the more important Sydney herself is! NOTHING happen for writers without Sydney-gifts! Sydney like publishing God!

Screw Zod! Kneel before Sydney! Worship at my altar, and leave offerings of tuna for me!

You buying all this, right?

Is good to be me!

PURRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Evil Persons Try Hijack Sydney's Blog! Fixed I hope!

2010-03-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

Sydney:

Sorry peoples if you tried to get Bad Agent Sydney's blog and got redirected to some other site. Sydney suspects virtual agent Gadget in her sidebar had malicious code hidden in it.

Who would thought? Even virtual Sydney not trustworthy! Am so proud! But virtual Sydney had to go to bit-bucket. Bad kitty! No CPU cycles!

Hope all well now.

PURRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Writer-cat photo contest winner, Bella

2010-03-04T13:45:00.000-08:00

Sydney:

Yes, time for another winner in big writer-cat photo contest. How many winner there be? How many good photos I get? YOU DECIDE!

Todays winner is Bella. Not Bellah who win before. Bellah live Colorado. Bella live Alabama. DIFFERENT CAT! Get straight.

Stupid writers.

Bella's people is writer and broadcast news guy Randy Tatano. Randy got blog here:http://tvnewsgrapevine.blogspot.com/ Boring TV news stuff. Sydney never watches TV. Unless has bugs or birds. Speaking of, here's picture:

Anyway, Bella send writer advice with cute picture:

Bella the cat says:
"Writing a story and not mailing it makes no sense. Do you think editors are magically going to appear? Fuhgeddaboudit! That makes about as much sense as my sitting in this bird bath and expecting birds to land here."

Hey, Bella, two things...

A. What wrong was sitting there waiting for birds? Sound good me!

B. That sound like actual useful writer advice! Whatsupwiththat? Give writer useful advice, next thing you know, they sell things, get contract, get deadline, busy, busy, busy... NO TIME LEFT FOR KITTIES! On other hand, possibly become next James Patterson, buy you that mink cat bed with bird dispenser you been wanting, so maybe you got this covered...

Randy, go give Bella treat! I'm thinking something bird-flavored. GO!

Anyway, Writers, just think how cold and bird-covered poor Randy's birdbath was before Bella come along! Randy happier with cat supervision. ALL WRITERS NEED! ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY! Follow link in bottom of message to find shelter near you where homeless kitties waiting RIGHT NOW! GO!

Anyway, work done for day. (Sorry, clients, no time for you.) Got to think of new Sydney Wisdom for tomorrow. NEW WISDOM TOMORROW!

Until then,
PURRRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Commissions

2010-03-03T10:58:00.000-08:00

Sydney:

People says me: "Sydney, didn't agents once get a 10% commission rather than the standard 15% they get today?"

Sydney respond, "you sure is nosy, history-boy. Yes, is not that many years agents most get 10%. Before Sydney's time. She is just a little cat. But some writers remember. Stupid writers."

So people says me: "What did agents do to get themselves a 50% raise? Is it a reward for their outstanding performance?"

Sydney says: "Stupid writers. Costs go up. Tuna cost more. NEED TUNA!"

So people says me: "So Sydney, that's true of writers too. Why didn't agents get their clients (and thus themselves) more money? Didn't they just reward themselves on a grand scale for bad performance?"

Sydney says: "Stupid writers! Do not make this about you! NEED TUNA? What part that you not understand?"

Stupid writers. Upset Sydney.

Sydney will now go nap in her tuna warehouse, just to calm down.

PURRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION! Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have! Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY! Use this LINK to find shelter near you! GO! AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Next Contest Winner: Bellah and her writer Cindie Geddes!

2010-03-02T00:10:00.000-08:00

Sydney:

Time for next winner in Sydney's big contest to promote writers obtaining proper supervision by adopting homeless kitties! Remember: ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!

Today's big winner is cat Bellah! (not named after sparkle vampire lady! Stupid!) Bellah's writer Cindie Geddes sends this message:

Bellah (named by my son after a cousin, not the famous character) was born under writer Jennifer Baumer's porch, along with many siblings (all who ended up in writer homes). When she came to me she had never been touched by people. She was feral and ferocious and a little nuts. She is no longer feral, still a little nuts, but now only ferocious when giving her writer instruction. Unfortunately for me, she does not limit her instructions to just my writing life.

That's it, Cindie! NO LIMITS ON CAT SUPERVISION! YOU LIKE IT! YOU KNOW YOU DO!

Also, check out that picture! BELLAH IS TOTALLY TELLING HER HOW TO DRIVE! IS SO AWESOME!

Sydney is so happy with this entry, she gets a treat (which she was going to get anyway)! Now, Bellah gets treat. DRIVE-THU FISH AND CHIPS! GO CINDIE! BELLAH KNOWS WAY! FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS! GO!

That is SO cool!

So, writer, are you still making do with old-fashioned GPS satnav? THIS CAN NOT STAND! CAT IS YOUR CO-PILOT! BRING YOUR SEATS TO A FULL, UPRIGHT POSITION AND GO TO ANIMAL SHELTER! DO NOW! FOLLOW THIS LINK TO ADOPTAPET.COM IF YOU DO NOT HAVE CAT ON BACK OF SEAT TO TELL YOU WAY! GO!!

PURRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!