Sydney:

Stupid clients: of COURSE Sydney knows far more about publishing contracts than you do.  Sydney spends much times with contracts (she sleeps on top of piles of them all the time) and is an expert on law, even though she has never gone to law school or passed any bar or watched more than half an episode of "Boston Legal" without curling up in people's lap and falling asleeps!


Why?  Because Sydney is AGENT!  Went to Blogwart's School of Agenting, where after much teachings drank the magic Potion of Knowing and was issued mystical Contract Wand!


HAHAHAHAHAHA!  You writers will believe anything!  Sydney loves using your imagination against you!  Does not matter if Sydney went to imaginary and almost certainly not trademarked school or not!  As with all things, writers believe that because Sydney calls herself "agent," she has magic powers, like Santa or Tooth Fairy!  Sydney's phone calls are better than theirs.  Sydney's letters are better than theirs.  Sydney's mailings are better than theirs.  And most CERTAINLY, all Sydney's knowings are better than theirs.


So do not be coming to Sydney questioning "organ donation clause," or "do-not-resuscitate clause."  Is just standard publishing boilerplate with no real meanings!  Is above your pay-grade to understand!  If it were important, Sydney would tell you so!  Certainly you should NOT refer it to a lawyer -- or the FBI.


Now goes away!  Sydney has to go fill the bathtub with ice.


Is good to be me!


PURRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney:

Words is money.


Sydney has been scooping up many writer's estates, and signing writers that is largely retired and is not keeping up with changes in publishing, offering to handle their back-lists.  Scooping up like plump little mousies!  Yum!


Sydney knows how to sell words (especially good words written by professional writers) by the pound, turning them into cash!  Sydney has her own publishing company on side.  (Oh!  Whoopses!  Is just publishing company that is just happens to be BESIDE Sydney.  Is not connected!  Oh, no, oh noes!)  Anyway, this almost certainly unconnected company publishes all these words as ebooks and print-on-demand books!  Only a little bit, because company does not do very good job on conversions or formattings or covers, but does not matter, because Sydney works in bulk!


Then, somehows (does not want to know how) bails of money fall into Sydney's mail-slot.  KLUNK!  There's anotherones!


Oh, wait!  What is this envelope here under bail of money?  Oh, is from publisher trying to buy rights to one of Sydney's estate books! Sydney has dealt with these bad peoples before!  Wants to offer estate much more moneys than Sydney's bulk deal.  More money for estate, but LESS FOR SYDNEY!  THIS CANNOT STAND!


But do not worries!  Sydney has easy solution!  Just does not pass deal along!  Tells publisher to go away!  But this new letter, they is asking for contact information for estate, so can take offer to them directly.  WELL, SYDNEY WILL NOT TELL!


Does not have to.


Will just keep estate in dark, and feed them -- well, you knows!


KLUNK!


Is good to me me!


PURRRRRRRR!





 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

You May Already Be Bad Agent Sydney's Client!

Sydney:


All the times, people is asking Sydney if she is taking new clients, and if they can be Sydney's client!  All the times!  This, even though Sydney has this blog telling writers all the bad things she likes to do!  Is good to be me!  Purrr!


But to these peoples I say, how does you know you is not already Sydney's client?  Sydney has found new thing!  All Sydney has to do is make some kind of contact with writer.  Could be email, or over-the-transom submission, or something handed to Sydney at writer's conference, if she went to writer's conferences, which she never does.  Anyway, all Sydney needs is to get hold of manuscript or proposal or pitch, or even just find out about submission writer has already made to publisher.


Then all Sydney has to do is keep writer hanging while she secretly sweeps in and takes over property!  Sydney can shop to publishers, chase foreign rights, even movie or TV rights, and tell writer nothing!  Even easier, if writer has already done much of the work!


Good thing is, Sydney has no obligations to "client!"  Does not have to return calls, or listen to their silly prattling about how they wants their work handled!  No agreements of any kind!  Sydney does what Sydney wants!  And if Sydney can not sell work, is not stuck with useless writer cluttering up her client list!  Far as they is concerned, they was never Sydney's client at all!  


But if Sydney does sell, then if Sydney does sell, most writers treats Sydney like hero!  Every once in while though, some silly writer complains that Sydney has sold property she had no rights to represent!  Some silly peoples says it is almost like stealing!  The nerves!


But, Sydney is just cute little cat (agent)!  Everybody forgives Sydney!  Sydney does not care if some stupid writers goes away mad.  They was never Sydney's client anyway!


Is good to be me!


PURRRRRRRRRR!


Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Wisdom: Sydney is Neither Conflicted Nor Interested!

Sydney:

Yesterday reporter was by to talk to Sydney about her new "ebook pre-printification" program for clients. (We does not call it "publishing" silly peoples!)  


Works like this: Sydney sends client's books to "trained pre-printification specialists" in third-world country where orphans format into ebooks in exchange for handful of rice and moldy dates.  Then Sydney does the backbreaking job of uploading files to Amazon, Barnes & Nobel and other sites!  (Just kiddings!  Sydney has orphans do that part too!)


For this, Sydney takes only standard 20% of whatever sales she decides to report to clients, whenever she decides to report it!  Clients all think Sydney is hero! (Because this is what Sydney tells them to think, and clients mostly thinks what Sydney tells them to think!  Sydney LOVES this business!)


So, this reporter asks if Sydney Agency can possibly to the kind of professional job traditional New York publishers can!  SYDNEY IS ALL OVER THIS!  Sydney points out how sloppy and error filled many New York ebooks is!  Then Sydney explains to reporter moron how, after takes New York housing prices and cost of living into effect, SYDNEY'S ORPHANS ACTUALLY PAID MORE THAN THEIR EDITORS!  PURRR!


Sydney knows she made impression on reporter, because they was writing very fast, and kept breaking pencils!  Also how their left eye kept twitching!


So, yes, Sydney has been in press dissing traditional publishers and saying she can do better job for clients, traditional publishers where many is still expecting Sydney to sell their books!


Do not worries, clients!  Sydney does not think this will hurt your chances of selling to them!


Much.


And there is always "ebook pre-printification program" to fall back on.


PURRRRRRR!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney:

Dear writers:


Sydney knows that sometimes is just too much work to sift through Sydney's blog looking for all her great writing and publishing wisdoms!  Sydney also knows that sometimes you might want to read Sydney's great writings without having the internets!


GOOD NEWS!  Sydney has come up with a profitable solution to your problem!  Sydney has now collected, illustrated, and updated all her wisdoms into one ebook, which YOU can buy with nothing but money!  GO BUY NOW!  (Some readers is already giving Sydney 5-star reviews, AND SHE DID NOT EVEN HAVE TO HURT THEM!)




Sydney's book is also available on Nook, Smashwords and other ebook outlets!  GO!


(Sydney is counting her moneys now!  PURRRRRRR!)


 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  


AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Conflict of Interesting

Sydney:

Lately, Sydney is hearing a lot about agents and conflict of interests!  People is talking about how agents may have special relationships with publishers, or may not work in client's best interests if agent is also acting as a publisher.  
Sures, these is all conflicts of interest!  Sydney loves them all!


But there is other conflicts of interest that ALWAYS go on with agents, and people never thinks about!  These are Sydney's favorites, because nobody ever complains about them!  They is so deeply rooted in the agenting business they is invisible!  Is like money in the bank!


In fact, IS money in the bank Sydney is talking about!  See, all money flows through agent!  Publisher sends check!  Sydney cashes check plenty-quick!  Then, Sydney deducts her well-deserved 20% commission!  Finally, Sydney cuts check for rest of moneys and sends to writer!


But here is where conflict-of-interest comes on.  Writer's best interest is that Sydney should get money to writer as soon as possible! Agency law says agents first interest should be client's first interest...


But Sydney is just a little cat (agent), and does not study the law, much less obey it!  Sydney's interest is that money stays with Sydney as long as possible!  Sydney knows that "money in the bank" means "interest," and interest is money that STAYS in Sydney's bank!


So, if check comes in on Wednesday, Sydney cashes right away, but pretends not to get it until Friday.  If gets on Friday, can't log it in until Monday.  If does not log till Monday, cannot send to accounting until Tuesday.  But accounting person is taking personal days till Thursday.  Then authorization to cut check doesn't get on Sydney's desk till SECOND Friday.  Then Sydney cannot sign till Monday, but is in meetings all day, and is out of office on Tuesday and then everything is backed up on Wednesday and then signs on Thursday, but accidentally signs in wrong place, and accounting person doesn't find it becauses starts maternity leave, and then temp replacing her doesn't know where anything is...


Six weeks later, if writer even knows about money, if even suspects money exists, they is stuck staring at mail-box, wondering where money is!  If they calls, Sydney says, "the check's in the mail!"  Thanks-you crappy USPS!  Sydney can always blames it on you!  "Oh," says Sydney,
"you should have it by now!  Sydney will send another check soon as can get paperwork through!  Only accounting person just started two year sabbatical in Tibet!  May be slight, delay!"


Meanwhile, Sydney's "conflicted interest" is turning into "compounded interest!"   See!  Sydney makes clever joke!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 


You got that check yet?


Is good to be me!


PURRRRR!




 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

 If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: Let Bad Agent Sydney Improve Your Writing!

Sydney:

Remember, all manuscriptses is better after agent puts their paw-prints all over them.  (Actually, sorry about the wet ones.  Sydney just comes from litter-box.)  Because anybody can call themselves an agent, even a cat, so obviously if you believe this, a cat knows more about writing that you do!  (And you may qualify to be a Bad Agent Sydney client!)


Here's an excerpt from a recent letter Sydney sends to client about their latest novel:


Chapter 1: This is good, but good is nots good enough for an opening!  Gots to have reader's attention in the first paragraph!  This is why a good hook is so important!  Sydney suggests sound of electric can-opener.  That always gets her attention!


Chapter 2: Interest waning here.  Blah, blah, setting, blah, blah, characterization, blah, blah, plot, blah, blah, suspense...  Sydney takes three naps (12 hours total) just during first paragraph!  You needs to haves stuff that interests readers here.  You know what interests Sydney?  TUNA!  Suggest more tuna.  Maybe heist is to steal secret case of rare Star-Kist "Unicorn Tuna."  Sydney just make this up!  You can have! (Small "creative contribution" royalty will be added my usual 20%!  No need to pay now! I is good to you!)


(Note, will talk to publisher about idea of tuna-scented paper.  Big seller!)


Anyway, maybe opens trunk of get-away car, BUT IS ALREADY FULL OF TUNA!  See the sweet dilemma!  Hero CANNOT throw aways tunas!


WHAT WILL DO?  You figure out!  Also, cut 2000 words.


Chapter 3: Wait?  Did we start Chapter 3 yet?  Sydney was napping again.  So bored, could not even start reading this one.  Put something interesting at front of chapter.  Maybe a piece of yarn, or a bug, or a skittery piece of paper on a tile floor!  Sydney always excited by these!


Also, cut 3000 words and add more tuna.


(33 chapters redacted...)


Chapter 37: Atomic bomb in orphanage?  White House in flames?  Hero hanging from hang-glider over volcano by toes?  Love interest being eaten by ants?  You call this a climax?  SNOOZEFEST!


Needs something EXCITING!  Something sends heart racing!  Something cannot resist!  Something cannot stop looking at!  Sydney suggest (they'll never sees this coming!) LASER POINTER on CEILING!  Sydney is excited just thinking about it!


Also, cut 5,000 words, add another can-opener and make the Yugo into a tuna boat.


Finally, to entire manuscript, add 40,000 words (all chapters too short!), more tuna, and make protagonist a cat.


Otherwise, is PERFECT!


Except, more tuna.


Agent knows best!


Is good to be me!


PURRRRRRRR!




Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

 If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!