Sydney Wisdom of the Day: Let Bad Agent Sydney Improve Your Writing!

Sydney:

Remember, all manuscriptses is better after agent puts their paw-prints all over them.  (Actually, sorry about the wet ones.  Sydney just comes from litter-box.)  Because anybody can call themselves an agent, even a cat, so obviously if you believe this, a cat knows more about writing that you do!  (And you may qualify to be a Bad Agent Sydney client!)


Here's an excerpt from a recent letter Sydney sends to client about their latest novel:


Chapter 1: This is good, but good is nots good enough for an opening!  Gots to have reader's attention in the first paragraph!  This is why a good hook is so important!  Sydney suggests sound of electric can-opener.  That always gets her attention!


Chapter 2: Interest waning here.  Blah, blah, setting, blah, blah, characterization, blah, blah, plot, blah, blah, suspense...  Sydney takes three naps (12 hours total) just during first paragraph!  You needs to haves stuff that interests readers here.  You know what interests Sydney?  TUNA!  Suggest more tuna.  Maybe heist is to steal secret case of rare Star-Kist "Unicorn Tuna."  Sydney just make this up!  You can have! (Small "creative contribution" royalty will be added my usual 20%!  No need to pay now! I is good to you!)


(Note, will talk to publisher about idea of tuna-scented paper.  Big seller!)


Anyway, maybe opens trunk of get-away car, BUT IS ALREADY FULL OF TUNA!  See the sweet dilemma!  Hero CANNOT throw aways tunas!


WHAT WILL DO?  You figure out!  Also, cut 2000 words.


Chapter 3: Wait?  Did we start Chapter 3 yet?  Sydney was napping again.  So bored, could not even start reading this one.  Put something interesting at front of chapter.  Maybe a piece of yarn, or a bug, or a skittery piece of paper on a tile floor!  Sydney always excited by these!


Also, cut 3000 words and add more tuna.


(33 chapters redacted...)


Chapter 37: Atomic bomb in orphanage?  White House in flames?  Hero hanging from hang-glider over volcano by toes?  Love interest being eaten by ants?  You call this a climax?  SNOOZEFEST!


Needs something EXCITING!  Something sends heart racing!  Something cannot resist!  Something cannot stop looking at!  Sydney suggest (they'll never sees this coming!) LASER POINTER on CEILING!  Sydney is excited just thinking about it!


Also, cut 5,000 words, add another can-opener and make the Yugo into a tuna boat.


Finally, to entire manuscript, add 40,000 words (all chapters too short!), more tuna, and make protagonist a cat.


Otherwise, is PERFECT!


Except, more tuna.


Agent knows best!


Is good to be me!


PURRRRRRRR!




Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

 If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Gatekeeper

Sydney:


Sydney has set herself up as gatekeeper that writers must pass if ever want get published.  Actually, that not true.  Sydney do nothing!  Writers set her up as gatekeeper.  Set all agents up as gatekeeper.


But what is Sydney gatekeeper of?  Is no wall between writers and publishing!  Obstacle course, maybe, but not wall!


Sure, many publishers say, "not take unagented submissions."  This very good for Sydney!  Even though she is very bad agent (PURRRR!), people still line up to be her client, because they think she key to gate on nonexistent wall!  Makes stupid writers think ANY agent better than no agent at all!  Never get published without agent!  Everybody know this!


HA!  Not true!  Stupid writers not think, and this is good for Bad Agents like Sydney!  Many ways through non-existent wall!  Sure, many publishers not take unagented manuscripts, but not all!  Some not take "unsolicited," and this different than "unagented."  Send good query letter!  Get request for manuscript.  Talk to editor at writer's conference!  Get request for manuscript or proposal.  Enter contests (good contests) that get attention from publishers.  Network, do whatever takes to get your best work to editors!  


Or (this no big secret) mail book anyway!  May not read, but might!  Worst thing happen?  Throw out!  You out paper, ink, and postage!  BIG DEAL!  Mail next publisher, try again.


Here's the secret: Editors want two things, not read all the cat-box-worthy manuscripts that come in slush, and to READ GREAT NEW BOOKS FROM PEOPLE THEY NEVER HEARD OF!  EDITORS NOT TRYING TO KEEP GOOD PEOPLE OUT, JUST CRAP!  EDITORS ALWAYS WANT GREAT NEW THING!


Of course, statistics say, you probably crap.  But if you think you are not, if others say you good (and not just grandma and that person you pay for sex), then maybe you run obstacle course, get book offer, and THEN you can always get agent!  Sydney will be waiting!  (But, Sydney supposes, you can also get a GOOD agent if you careful, and if you must!)


Or you can just sit on butt, staring at wall-that-is-not-there, crying about how you never get published.  That okay.  Editors not want crap, and that make you crap-by-default!


PURRRRR!


Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!


If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!