Monday, March 21, 2011

Bad Agent Sydney FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) Part the 2


How can a cat be an agent?

Anybody can prints up cards and call themselves an agent, even a cat!  And if it is not permitted, then it is required!

Who would sign up a cat for an agent?

When word gots out that Sydney was agent, people started asking where to sends submissions.  Sydney has to beat off clients with a stick!  Nots kidding.  Beats them off with stick!

Sydney is a boy's name, right?

Is youses blind?!!  Sydney is dainty little girl kitty!  Don't makes me come over there and hurt you!!!

What's with all the extra "s"es?  Do you have pluralicy or something?

Everybody is the comedians!  No, stupid-heads!  When Sydneys was in agent-school she was in house Slitherin.  Does that answers your question?

What qualities do you look for in a client?

Sydney likes the starry-eyed optimism that blinds all judgement, desperate need for validation, and accesses to a large trust fund!

Are you taking submissions?

Not from yous!

I have this great idea for a fantasy series...

Yours mother must be so proud!

What is your commission rate?

Many agents still charging 15%, but Sydney's worthless clients not making enough moneys for her!  So Sydney says to herselfs, "Youses is worth more than that!"  So lucky you, if you has Sydney for agent!  Sydney is now worths 20%!  You mustes have the bestest agent in the business!  YOU DOES NOT DESERVE!  WORKS HARDER!!!!

I've heard you insist your clients obey your instructions.  What's up with that?  Shouldn't a writer be the master of their own career?

Who has you been talking to?  You is only writer!  Sydney is agent!  Agent knows best!  Agent tells many writers what to do!  You is only one!  By definitions, Agent is many times smarter than yous!  Yous is only single pellet in Sydney's scatter-gun of success!

But how can you tell writers how to write their books?  You've never written a book, have you?


Well, if it's so easy, why do I need you?

Noes, noes, NOES!  No book is goods enough for publications without Agent's claw-marks on in!  (Sydney is perfectly capables of clawing up her own manuscripts, thank-you-very-muches!)

But, not only haven't you written a book, you've never been a professional editor either, have you?

Sydney is an important crack in the editorial sidewalk to possible-maybe publication!!  (Do not step on crack!  Sydney's back already under a lotta strain!)  Sydney's editorial input has been permeated into many manuscripts to make then suitable for submission to major publisherses!

Where they then need to be edited?

Well of courses!  Whole point of Agent intervention is to make the manuscript just good enough to need real editing!

Even if that means making the manuscript worse?

Especially if it means making book worse!  This is important thing, great secret that only Agents understands!  Editors buy books, and editors mustest justify their phoney-baloney jobs!  This is secret!  Editors is not necessary to publishing process!  Not like Agents!  Surprisingly, mostest books is rejected by publishers because they is too good!  Sydney uses her special agent powers to dull your manuscript down just to the point where it showses editorial promise!  This is the sweet spot where editors will bite!

Oooookay!  Shouldn't there be more questions than this on a Frequently Asked Questions List?

Sydney will answer more questions as you frequently ask them.  Email Sydney with yourses agent and publishing and especially Sydney questions!

Any final advice to writers?


You like to have the last word, don't you?


 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

No comments:

Post a Comment