You're a Keeper!

Sydney:

Dear Client:

You are a keeper!

Noes, noes, stop with the jumping and clapping.  Is not a good thing.

See, "keepers" is what Sydney calls clients she has stopped working for, but simply not bothered to kick to the curb.  Sydney does not return your calls.  Sydney does not send out your manuscripts.  Sydney does not pitch your books.  Sydney just keeps you in her dusty files, taking up space, until you either go away, die, or somehow become valuable to her.  And it is this last that is the ONLY reason Sydney keeps you around.

How could that happen?  Well, somebody could find an old copy of your manuscript behind an editor's desk , love it and make an offer.  Maybe you could sell your own book by pitching it to editor at conference or workshop.  Maybe your self-published novel will be a hit, making all your old, unsold-stuff hot.  Maybe "Christian Sexy Zombie Babysitter Mysteries" will suddenly become major new publishing trend, and Sydney will suddenly have use for your book, "Who Ate the Baby's Brain, Probably Not My Hottie Boyfriend, But Maybe Me." other than using it to prop up old table-leg.

Could be anything, as long as doesn't not require any advance effort on Sydney's part.  Is like a lottery ticket for Sydney, only cheaper.  Does not even have to go to store, or even scratch off tickets like in McDonald's game (Sydney always shreds them with her little claws before she can read them anyway, kind of like your royalty statements).

So, probably you is worth nothing to Sydney, and nothing is all she will ever do for you.  But maybe you will pay off like little Powerball, and Sydney will swoop in for her percentage, tell you you are wonderful, and then leave!  Too bad you held out hope, and did not to fire the Sydney!

Is bad to be you.

But is good to be me!

PURRRRRRRRRR!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! 

 While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! 

Science proves Sydney not just most important site on the Internet, Sydney IS the internets!

Sydney:

Dear Clients (and World):


For years, Sydney has been telling you she is more important than any of  you.  Now, thanks to Google labs, Sydney has SCIENTIFICAL PROOF of her importance.  See, Google builds uber-smart, artificial-intelligence computer with 16,000 cores.  (Sydney does not know what "cores" is, but number is impressive.  When in doubt, Sydney loves to confuse clients with big numbers!)  Google sets super-smart brain loose on internet to scan TEN MILLION (Look!  Another number!) digital images to see what great wisdom it would learn.


So, what does computer come back and say is sum total of internet, the answer to life, the cyberspaces, and everythings?  Here it is:

Yesses!  It's ME!

Maybes you think this is big joke, but is not!  Reads all about it yourself in the New York Times!

You may begin worshiping Sydney now!  (What, you weren't already?)  


Being most important thing on internet is very tiring.  Sydney will go take 86,400 seconds (See!  Another number!) worth of naps now!  Sorry clients!  No work for you today!


Is good to be me!


PURRRR!




 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

 If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donation her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney:

Stupid clients: of COURSE Sydney knows far more about publishing contracts than you do.  Sydney spends much times with contracts (she sleeps on top of piles of them all the time) and is an expert on law, even though she has never gone to law school or passed any bar or watched more than half an episode of "Boston Legal" without curling up in people's lap and falling asleeps!

Why?  Because Sydney is AGENT!  Went to Blogwart's School of Agenting, where after much teachings drank the magic Potion of Knowing and was issued mystical Contract Wand!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!  You writers will believe anything!  Sydney loves using your imagination against you!  Does not matter if Sydney went to imaginary and almost certainly not trademarked school or not!  As with all things, writers believe that because Sydney calls herself "agent," she has magic powers, like Santa or Tooth Fairy!  Sydney's phone calls are better than theirs.  Sydney's letters are better than theirs.  Sydney's mailings are better than theirs.  And most CERTAINLY, all Sydney's knowings are better than theirs.

So do not be coming to Sydney questioning "organ donation clause," or "do-not-resuscitate clause."  Is just standard publishing boilerplate with no real meanings!  Is above your pay-grade to understand!  If it were important, Sydney would tell you so!  Certainly you should NOT refer it to a lawyer -- or the FBI.

Now goes away!  Sydney has to go fill the bathtub with ice.

Is good to be me!

PURRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney:

Words is money.


Sydney has been scooping up many writer's estates, and signing writers that is largely retired and is not keeping up with changes in publishing, offering to handle their back-lists.  Scooping up like plump little mousies!  Yum!


Sydney knows how to sell words (especially good words written by professional writers) by the pound, turning them into cash!  Sydney has her own publishing company on side.  (Oh!  Whoopses!  Is just publishing company that is just happens to be BESIDE Sydney.  Is not connected!  Oh, no, oh noes!)  Anyway, this almost certainly unconnected company publishes all these words as ebooks and print-on-demand books!  Only a little bit, because company does not do very good job on conversions or formattings or covers, but does not matter, because Sydney works in bulk!


Then, somehows (does not want to know how) bails of money fall into Sydney's mail-slot.  KLUNK!  There's anotherones!


Oh, wait!  What is this envelope here under bail of money?  Oh, is from publisher trying to buy rights to one of Sydney's estate books! Sydney has dealt with these bad peoples before!  Wants to offer estate much more moneys than Sydney's bulk deal.  More money for estate, but LESS FOR SYDNEY!  THIS CANNOT STAND!


But do not worries!  Sydney has easy solution!  Just does not pass deal along!  Tells publisher to go away!  But this new letter, they is asking for contact information for estate, so can take offer to them directly.  WELL, SYDNEY WILL NOT TELL!


Does not have to.


Will just keep estate in dark, and feed them -- well, you knows!


KLUNK!


Is good to me me!


PURRRRRRRR!





 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!