You May Already Be Bad Agent Sydney's Client!

Sydney:


All the times, people is asking Sydney if she is taking new clients, and if they can be Sydney's client!  All the times!  This, even though Sydney has this blog telling writers all the bad things she likes to do!  Is good to be me!  Purrr!


But to these peoples I say, how does you know you is not already Sydney's client?  Sydney has found new thing!  All Sydney has to do is make some kind of contact with writer.  Could be email, or over-the-transom submission, or something handed to Sydney at writer's conference, if she went to writer's conferences, which she never does.  Anyway, all Sydney needs is to get hold of manuscript or proposal or pitch, or even just find out about submission writer has already made to publisher.


Then all Sydney has to do is keep writer hanging while she secretly sweeps in and takes over property!  Sydney can shop to publishers, chase foreign rights, even movie or TV rights, and tell writer nothing!  Even easier, if writer has already done much of the work!


Good thing is, Sydney has no obligations to "client!"  Does not have to return calls, or listen to their silly prattling about how they wants their work handled!  No agreements of any kind!  Sydney does what Sydney wants!  And if Sydney can not sell work, is not stuck with useless writer cluttering up her client list!  Far as they is concerned, they was never Sydney's client at all!  


But if Sydney does sell, then if Sydney does sell, most writers treats Sydney like hero!  Every once in while though, some silly writer complains that Sydney has sold property she had no rights to represent!  Some silly peoples says it is almost like stealing!  The nerves!


But, Sydney is just cute little cat (agent)!  Everybody forgives Sydney!  Sydney does not care if some stupid writers goes away mad.  They was never Sydney's client anyway!


Is good to be me!


PURRRRRRRRRR!


Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Wisdom: Sydney is Neither Conflicted Nor Interested!

Sydney:

Yesterday reporter was by to talk to Sydney about her new "ebook pre-printification" program for clients. (We does not call it "publishing" silly peoples!)  


Works like this: Sydney sends client's books to "trained pre-printification specialists" in third-world country where orphans format into ebooks in exchange for handful of rice and moldy dates.  Then Sydney does the backbreaking job of uploading files to Amazon, Barnes & Nobel and other sites!  (Just kiddings!  Sydney has orphans do that part too!)


For this, Sydney takes only standard 20% of whatever sales she decides to report to clients, whenever she decides to report it!  Clients all think Sydney is hero! (Because this is what Sydney tells them to think, and clients mostly thinks what Sydney tells them to think!  Sydney LOVES this business!)


So, this reporter asks if Sydney Agency can possibly to the kind of professional job traditional New York publishers can!  SYDNEY IS ALL OVER THIS!  Sydney points out how sloppy and error filled many New York ebooks is!  Then Sydney explains to reporter moron how, after takes New York housing prices and cost of living into effect, SYDNEY'S ORPHANS ACTUALLY PAID MORE THAN THEIR EDITORS!  PURRR!


Sydney knows she made impression on reporter, because they was writing very fast, and kept breaking pencils!  Also how their left eye kept twitching!


So, yes, Sydney has been in press dissing traditional publishers and saying she can do better job for clients, traditional publishers where many is still expecting Sydney to sell their books!


Do not worries, clients!  Sydney does not think this will hurt your chances of selling to them!


Much.


And there is always "ebook pre-printification program" to fall back on.


PURRRRRRR!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney:

Dear writers:


Sydney knows that sometimes is just too much work to sift through Sydney's blog looking for all her great writing and publishing wisdoms!  Sydney also knows that sometimes you might want to read Sydney's great writings without having the internets!


GOOD NEWS!  Sydney has come up with a profitable solution to your problem!  Sydney has now collected, illustrated, and updated all her wisdoms into one ebook, which YOU can buy with nothing but money!  GO BUY NOW!  (Some readers is already giving Sydney 5-star reviews, AND SHE DID NOT EVEN HAVE TO HURT THEM!)




Sydney's book is also available on Nook, Smashwords and other ebook outlets!  GO!


(Sydney is counting her moneys now!  PURRRRRRR!)


 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  


AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Conflict of Interesting

Sydney:

Lately, Sydney is hearing a lot about agents and conflict of interests!  People is talking about how agents may have special relationships with publishers, or may not work in client's best interests if agent is also acting as a publisher.  
Sures, these is all conflicts of interest!  Sydney loves them all!


But there is other conflicts of interest that ALWAYS go on with agents, and people never thinks about!  These are Sydney's favorites, because nobody ever complains about them!  They is so deeply rooted in the agenting business they is invisible!  Is like money in the bank!


In fact, IS money in the bank Sydney is talking about!  See, all money flows through agent!  Publisher sends check!  Sydney cashes check plenty-quick!  Then, Sydney deducts her well-deserved 20% commission!  Finally, Sydney cuts check for rest of moneys and sends to writer!


But here is where conflict-of-interest comes on.  Writer's best interest is that Sydney should get money to writer as soon as possible! Agency law says agents first interest should be client's first interest...


But Sydney is just a little cat (agent), and does not study the law, much less obey it!  Sydney's interest is that money stays with Sydney as long as possible!  Sydney knows that "money in the bank" means "interest," and interest is money that STAYS in Sydney's bank!


So, if check comes in on Wednesday, Sydney cashes right away, but pretends not to get it until Friday.  If gets on Friday, can't log it in until Monday.  If does not log till Monday, cannot send to accounting until Tuesday.  But accounting person is taking personal days till Thursday.  Then authorization to cut check doesn't get on Sydney's desk till SECOND Friday.  Then Sydney cannot sign till Monday, but is in meetings all day, and is out of office on Tuesday and then everything is backed up on Wednesday and then signs on Thursday, but accidentally signs in wrong place, and accounting person doesn't find it becauses starts maternity leave, and then temp replacing her doesn't know where anything is...


Six weeks later, if writer even knows about money, if even suspects money exists, they is stuck staring at mail-box, wondering where money is!  If they calls, Sydney says, "the check's in the mail!"  Thanks-you crappy USPS!  Sydney can always blames it on you!  "Oh," says Sydney,
"you should have it by now!  Sydney will send another check soon as can get paperwork through!  Only accounting person just started two year sabbatical in Tibet!  May be slight, delay!"


Meanwhile, Sydney's "conflicted interest" is turning into "compounded interest!"   See!  Sydney makes clever joke!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 


You got that check yet?


Is good to be me!


PURRRRR!




 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

 If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: Let Bad Agent Sydney Improve Your Writing!

Sydney:

Remember, all manuscriptses is better after agent puts their paw-prints all over them.  (Actually, sorry about the wet ones.  Sydney just comes from litter-box.)  Because anybody can call themselves an agent, even a cat, so obviously if you believe this, a cat knows more about writing that you do!  (And you may qualify to be a Bad Agent Sydney client!)


Here's an excerpt from a recent letter Sydney sends to client about their latest novel:


Chapter 1: This is good, but good is nots good enough for an opening!  Gots to have reader's attention in the first paragraph!  This is why a good hook is so important!  Sydney suggests sound of electric can-opener.  That always gets her attention!


Chapter 2: Interest waning here.  Blah, blah, setting, blah, blah, characterization, blah, blah, plot, blah, blah, suspense...  Sydney takes three naps (12 hours total) just during first paragraph!  You needs to haves stuff that interests readers here.  You know what interests Sydney?  TUNA!  Suggest more tuna.  Maybe heist is to steal secret case of rare Star-Kist "Unicorn Tuna."  Sydney just make this up!  You can have! (Small "creative contribution" royalty will be added my usual 20%!  No need to pay now! I is good to you!)


(Note, will talk to publisher about idea of tuna-scented paper.  Big seller!)


Anyway, maybe opens trunk of get-away car, BUT IS ALREADY FULL OF TUNA!  See the sweet dilemma!  Hero CANNOT throw aways tunas!


WHAT WILL DO?  You figure out!  Also, cut 2000 words.


Chapter 3: Wait?  Did we start Chapter 3 yet?  Sydney was napping again.  So bored, could not even start reading this one.  Put something interesting at front of chapter.  Maybe a piece of yarn, or a bug, or a skittery piece of paper on a tile floor!  Sydney always excited by these!


Also, cut 3000 words and add more tuna.


(33 chapters redacted...)


Chapter 37: Atomic bomb in orphanage?  White House in flames?  Hero hanging from hang-glider over volcano by toes?  Love interest being eaten by ants?  You call this a climax?  SNOOZEFEST!


Needs something EXCITING!  Something sends heart racing!  Something cannot resist!  Something cannot stop looking at!  Sydney suggest (they'll never sees this coming!) LASER POINTER on CEILING!  Sydney is excited just thinking about it!


Also, cut 5,000 words, add another can-opener and make the Yugo into a tuna boat.


Finally, to entire manuscript, add 40,000 words (all chapters too short!), more tuna, and make protagonist a cat.


Otherwise, is PERFECT!


Except, more tuna.


Agent knows best!


Is good to be me!


PURRRRRRRR!




Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

 If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: Where There's a Will, There's a Won't

Sydney:

Client asks Sydney today if Sydney has a will.  Sydney get's all huffy, asks what business of it is client's?  Client slinks away.  


Makes Sydney purr, because Sydney knows EXACTLY what business of it is clients: is ALL of client's business!  See, when you is making deal with agent who owns agency, you is potentially making deal with agent's estate, and everyone involved, too!


See, agency and deals don't just go aways because agent is dead!  (Or maybe worses, incapacitated!)  Let's say Sydney, cat-Gods forbid, Sydney is hit by bus tomorrow:  Okay, Sydney wins that one.  But suppose TWO BIGGER buses and a convoy of semi-truckses hits Sydney and Sydney is killeded. (Or put in coma, though that would be hard to tell!)


All contracts negotiated by Sydney become assets of the estate!  All payments: every check, every royalty payment, every subsidiary right goes through estate!  Lawyer, maybe judge, must sign off on every bit of monies that goes through!  And lawyers and judges not even PRETEND to care about you like Sydney does (did)!  Theys is just interested in keeping as many assets in the estate as possible!  And this assumes they even KNOW they're supposed to pay you!  Maybe they look at box of shredded papers that is Sydney's "filing system" and just scratch heads!  Maybe they cannot find Sydney's address books or phone book because she has hidden them under loose-board next to litter box!  Maybe (probably) they knows nothing about publishing business, and does not even understand they is supposed to send percentages to you!  (Hey, at least Bad Agent Sydney sent along about one check out of three, just to keep up appearances!)


And no matter how bad things get, your old work is still tangled up on Sydney-estate's business!  If you signed Sydney's excellent new agency agreement that gives her right to portion of all new works in any away derived from, based upon, or stored in the same room or computer or skull with represented work, then estate could be rabid monkey on yourses back for rest of life!


Of course, if you is with a larger agency, this may be lesses of a problem.  Agency more likely to continue on, though in that case, yous can have issues if PRINCIPLE in agency dies (or has nasty divorce with another principle, or gets hauled into court on sexual harassment charges, or...), even if yours agent is on macrobiotic diet and jogging six miles a day!


So Sydney just laughs at poor client, who still exists in state of ignorances and uncertainty!  Just betweens you and me, Sydney has no will!  Just poor record keeping, legacy of fraudulent accounting, large-unpaid gambling debts, and a host of semi-insane "lost" relatives who all hate each other more than they care about money.  Yours future is in good hands!!


NOT!!!


But Sydney does not care!


Sydney will be watching and laughing from Cat heaven!  (Sure, she sells her soul to Dark Forces, possible Darth Vader himself, but has 20% of all YOUR souls to cash in on!)


Is good to me me!


You, not soes much!


PURRRRRRRRRRR! 



 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

More Bad Hollywood Sydney Wisdom!

Sydney:

Sydney is doing so well with last-week's Hollywoods movie scheme, she starts to wonder, why should she only takes Hollywood money from own clients!  Sydney then has new ideas!


Sydney is now what is callsed "Literary Scout!"  Sydney hears there is literary scouts for reals, who goes looking for books that has potentials to develop into films or television shows, buys options to market books, then brokers deals throughs their contacts in show-business, and takes finders fee!  (Meanwhile, writer's regular agent still getses full 15% for "selling Hollywood rights," even thoughs deal just drops into their lapses!  Is good to be an agent!)


But Sydney thinks, why pays for options, when stupid writers will give to her for free!  Here is Sydney's deal: Sydney cold-calls zillion published writers offering to market their books in Hollywood!  Sydney will not charges them at all!  All they gots to do is sign over all-rights, exclusive, long-term Hollywood option to Sydney!


Sydney talks smooth, acts like shes is well-connected Hollywood insider, and drops Hollywood-insider names she learns from IMDB and TMZ!  "I has talkings with Johnny Depp the other day, and he was sayings how he would like to do a movie justes like your books!  I thinks we could get Sandras Bullock and Mae West and Hally Barry to play the sisters!  And we could get little Stevie Spielberg to directs!  Or maybe Stan Kubrick or Al Hitchcocks!  All is good friends with Sydney!  Had tunas with me at Brown Tophat restaurant just the other days!"


Some writers does not believes, but others does, and is so star-struck by idea of book being made into big movie, does not even check on Sydney's credentials!  (Sydney is agent, remember!  Has no credentials!)  So gives Sydney big right-grab option for free!


Pretty soon, Sydney has whole shopping bag full of options, maybe even with a few names Hollywood peoples who don't read will recognize!  Accidentally return Sydney's calls!  Sydney gets meeting, spreads out options on table like a deck of playing cards, and says, "takes your pickses!  Is all good!"


Maybe Sydney gets nowhere, but every once in while, one is bound to pay off!  And with Sydney's option agreement, no getting around her!  Writer can't sell to anyone else!  Movie producers can't buy without going through Sydney!  Sydney pays nothing to be deal maker and deal breaker!


Is good to be me!

PUUUURRRRRRRRRR!


 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Check my Smooth Moves (or Movies)

Sydney:

Good news, client!  Sydney has sold Hollywood option on your book!


Has sold to new production company called "Bad Producer Sydney" Productions.  No relation, of course!  


Well, okay, a little, in that its is wholly owned by me!  But Sydney does not make the movies, of courses!  Sydney will sell yours book to REAL movie-makers.  Don't worries!  Producer Sydney will send money to you, less 25% management fee!  (Of course, Agent Sydney will also take her 20% for selling to Producer Sydney.  Is only fair!)


Sydney gets you good deal!  Not much money up front, but gets you 2% of gross profits, whichs is much better than percent of net profit!  In Hollywood, "net" means they will throw net over yous if yous is crazy enough to thinks you will get paid. "Gross" only means it would be gross if they ever actually had to pay anybody!


Of course, if you does not make much, Bad Agent Sydney's cut is small too.  But do not feel bad for Bad Agent Sydney!  Bad Producer Sydney makes her own deal!  Sydney is credited producer on movie!  No work, but Sydney makes fat check that she shares with nobodies, trailer stocked with tunas, plus 5% of the budget! (Which means Sydney gets paid if it gets made, even if it is never released!)


Also, Sydney's name is before yourses in credits!  


Also bigger!


Sydney must go now.  Already has deal to write script for sequel!  Already gots opening:


FADE OUT - YOU


Is good to be me!


PURRRRRRRRR!


Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: The Nine Percents Solution

Sydney:

Hey, want to self-publish your work as ebookses, but don't want to do the work yourselfs?  Don't have much moneys?  Bad Agent Sydney Agency has new service for you!


Sydney is now offering full ebook publishing services with NO moneys up front!  Just let Sydney collect sales and she takes SMALL percentages, none aboves 15%, to cover the work done by her crack publishing team that she recruiteds from the parking lot in front of Home Depot!


Here is how goes:
Editings 15%  Fee
Cover Design 15% Fee
Cover Arts or Photo 10% Fee
Typesetting 10% Fee
Copyediting 15% Fee
Proofing 10% Fee
Cover copy-writings 10% Fee
Ebook Processings 10% Fee
Accounting 10% Fee


Simple, huh?


Well, Sydney must go now.  Has to call client and tell them good newses and bad newses.  Good newses is, client sold $10000 dollars worth of ebooks this month!  Bad newses is they now owes Sydney $500!


PURRRRRR!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) Part the 2

Sydney:

How can a cat be an agent?


Anybody can prints up cards and call themselves an agent, even a cat!  And if it is not permitted, then it is required!


Who would sign up a cat for an agent?


When word gots out that Sydney was agent, people started asking where to sends submissions.  Sydney has to beat off clients with a stick!  Nots kidding.  Beats them off with stick!


Sydney is a boy's name, right?


Is youses blind?!!  Sydney is dainty little girl kitty!  Don't makes me come over there and hurt you!!!


What's with all the extra "s"es?  Do you have pluralicy or something?


Everybody is the comedians!  No, stupid-heads!  When Sydneys was in agent-school she was in house Slitherin.  Does that answers your question?


What qualities do you look for in a client?


Sydney likes the starry-eyed optimism that blinds all judgement, desperate need for validation, and accesses to a large trust fund!


Are you taking submissions?


Not from yous!


I have this great idea for a fantasy series...


Yours mother must be so proud!


What is your commission rate?


Many agents still charging 15%, but Sydney's worthless clients not making enough moneys for her!  So Sydney says to herselfs, "Youses is worth more than that!"  So lucky you, if you has Sydney for agent!  Sydney is now worths 20%!  You mustes have the bestest agent in the business!  YOU DOES NOT DESERVE!  WORKS HARDER!!!!


I've heard you insist your clients obey your instructions.  What's up with that?  Shouldn't a writer be the master of their own career?


Who has you been talking to?  You is only writer!  Sydney is agent!  Agent knows best!  Agent tells many writers what to do!  You is only one!  By definitions, Agent is many times smarter than yous!  Yous is only single pellet in Sydney's scatter-gun of success!


But how can you tell writers how to write their books?  You've never written a book, have you?


What!  SYDNEY IS WRITING A BOOK RIGHT NOW!  BOOK IS JUST A BIG BLOG POST!  SYDNEY PUTS ALL BLOG POSTS TOGETHER, HAS BOOK!  SCREWS YOU!


Well, if it's so easy, why do I need you?


Noes, noes, NOES!  No book is goods enough for publications without Agent's claw-marks on in!  (Sydney is perfectly capables of clawing up her own manuscripts, thank-you-very-muches!)


But, not only haven't you written a book, you've never been a professional editor either, have you?


Sydney is an important crack in the editorial sidewalk to possible-maybe publication!!  (Do not step on crack!  Sydney's back already under a lotta strain!)  Sydney's editorial input has been permeated into many manuscripts to make then suitable for submission to major publisherses!


Where they then need to be edited?


Well of courses!  Whole point of Agent intervention is to make the manuscript just good enough to need real editing!


Even if that means making the manuscript worse?


Especially if it means making book worse!  This is important thing, great secret that only Agents understands!  Editors buy books, and editors mustest justify their phoney-baloney jobs!  This is secret!  Editors is not necessary to publishing process!  Not like Agents!  Surprisingly, mostest books is rejected by publishers because they is too good!  Sydney uses her special agent powers to dull your manuscript down just to the point where it showses editorial promise!  This is the sweet spot where editors will bite!


Oooookay!  Shouldn't there be more questions than this on a Frequently Asked Questions List?


Sydney will answer more questions as you frequently ask them.  Email Sydney with yourses agent and publishing and especially Sydney questions!


Any final advice to writers?


ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  ADOPTS A HOMELESS CAT TODAY!  SYDNEY ORDERS YOU!!!!


You like to have the last word, don't you?


PURRRRRRRR!!!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Never Ending Story

Sydney:

Most publishing contracts haves what is called "termination clause."  No, stupids, this is not title of worst Arnold Schwarzenegger Christimas movie ever!  This is clause that sets up what conditions under which the contracts ceases to applies, like when book is out of print or the term of the rights purchase runses out.


But Sydney has another name for this clause!  She calls it the "Sydney-doesn't-makes-no-more-money clause!"  See, the percentage of monies that Sydney gets is for the "life of the contract."  If book stays in print for fifty years and contract is in force, Sydney gets still her percentage!  This is much tunas for Sydney!


But if contract runs out, so whats, right?  Sydney can resell work then and makes more monies!  But, ignoring that this is more works for Sydney (do not want!), sometimes (not very often) clients wise up to Sydney's evil ways, and "part company" with Sydney!  But even then, if contract is still in force, Sydney still makes moneys! But if contract expires, no moneys for Sydney!  Former client can have NEW agent resell and keep cut for themselves!  


Stupid writer may even sell themselves and keep ALL money!  Selfish writers!  Don't they know that agents needs to eat, pay rent, and buy mink-lined business jets!


Sydney has been thinking about this, wondering if she can negotiate OUT termination clause on all client's new contracts?  Publishers won't say nothing.  It has been Sydney's experience, they is usually happy to let writers (or their agents) screw themselves.  But this is only screwing for client, not so much for Bad Agent Sydney!  And most clients won't notice.  Don't know what termination clause is, even if they bothers to reads contract. (Clients, ignore this post, and do not worry your pretty-little-heads!).

Sometimes Sydney is so brilliants she has to wear shades!!!


PURRRRRRR!!!!!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Why Good Kitties Can Still Eat You

Sydney:


Sydney is always amazed that peoples think that agents can’t be bad agents because they is nice peoples. Just because you likes having drinks with somebody at convention bar is no reason to sleep with them without protections (this is all hypotheticals of course, Sydney is “fixed”) or make them signer on yours checking account.

Look at Sydney. Sydney is bad agent, sures (and prouds of it!) but she is also sweet little kitty. Warm and soft. Purrs so loud you can hear in next state. Likes chin rubs, scritches, and warm laps. But down deep (okay, no so far down in Sydney’s case!), self-interest rules!

Sydney wants treats. Sydney wants litter box cleaned. SYDNEY WANTS TUNA! And when Sydney wants, what you wants is not toos important! Sure, Sydney is nice little kitty, but if Sydney is hungry enough, and yous lay on the floor still long enough, SYDNEY WILL EAT YOU!! This is way of the world, silly peoples!

So many, maybe most bad agents start out as good people. But one day the cash is short, the electrics bill is overdues, the rent is behind, and agent needs moneys for postage. And there is foreign rights check in in-box. Client doesn’t even know it is theres, and agent knows plenty of cash coming down pipeline to pay back! Where is harm! For writer, money in two weeks will still be money out of nowhere! They still thrilled! Agent is hero, and bills get paid! Where is harm!

Except next week, needs more money to pay back other money, and there is other checks sittings in inbox, stupid hopeful writers pounding at door who would be happy to pay reading or editing fees, and royalty statements that could just “disappear.”

Always, what is harms? Just a little here and there. Always intends to pay back. Agent surely deserves it for all things they do! Just “borrow” for a few days, a month, a year, until “things turn around…”

Sydney does not know if power really corrupts, but it sure doesn’t hurt! And many writers gives their agents absolute power over their money and affairs. Is very, very tempting, even for “nice peoples.”

And now business is changings. Agents’ future place in world us uncertain. EVERYBODY is hungry. And there is all these writers, laying there — very still.

Yum.

Is good to be me… PURRRR!

(Sydney originally posts this as comment on blog of crazy-writer-lady Kristine Kathryn Rusch, who is always talkings about writing business, educating writers, and spoiling Sydney's evil plans!  Do not even go to her blog at www.KristineKathrynRusch.com  DON'TS!!!)

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!