You're a Keeper!

Sydney:

Dear Client:

You are a keeper!

Noes, noes, stop with the jumping and clapping.  Is not a good thing.

See, "keepers" is what Sydney calls clients she has stopped working for, but simply not bothered to kick to the curb.  Sydney does not return your calls.  Sydney does not send out your manuscripts.  Sydney does not pitch your books.  Sydney just keeps you in her dusty files, taking up space, until you either go away, die, or somehow become valuable to her.  And it is this last that is the ONLY reason Sydney keeps you around.

How could that happen?  Well, somebody could find an old copy of your manuscript behind an editor's desk , love it and make an offer.  Maybe you could sell your own book by pitching it to editor at conference or workshop.  Maybe your self-published novel will be a hit, making all your old, unsold-stuff hot.  Maybe "Christian Sexy Zombie Babysitter Mysteries" will suddenly become major new publishing trend, and Sydney will suddenly have use for your book, "Who Ate the Baby's Brain, Probably Not My Hottie Boyfriend, But Maybe Me." other than using it to prop up old table-leg.

Could be anything, as long as doesn't not require any advance effort on Sydney's part.  Is like a lottery ticket for Sydney, only cheaper.  Does not even have to go to store, or even scratch off tickets like in McDonald's game (Sydney always shreds them with her little claws before she can read them anyway, kind of like your royalty statements).

So, probably you is worth nothing to Sydney, and nothing is all she will ever do for you.  But maybe you will pay off like little Powerball, and Sydney will swoop in for her percentage, tell you you are wonderful, and then leave!  Too bad you held out hope, and did not to fire the Sydney!

Is bad to be you.

But is good to be me!

PURRRRRRRRRR!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! 

 While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! 

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: Where There's a Will, There's a Won't

Sydney:

Client asks Sydney today if Sydney has a will.  Sydney get's all huffy, asks what business of it is client's?  Client slinks away.  


Makes Sydney purr, because Sydney knows EXACTLY what business of it is clients: is ALL of client's business!  See, when you is making deal with agent who owns agency, you is potentially making deal with agent's estate, and everyone involved, too!


See, agency and deals don't just go aways because agent is dead!  (Or maybe worses, incapacitated!)  Let's say Sydney, cat-Gods forbid, Sydney is hit by bus tomorrow:  Okay, Sydney wins that one.  But suppose TWO BIGGER buses and a convoy of semi-truckses hits Sydney and Sydney is killeded. (Or put in coma, though that would be hard to tell!)


All contracts negotiated by Sydney become assets of the estate!  All payments: every check, every royalty payment, every subsidiary right goes through estate!  Lawyer, maybe judge, must sign off on every bit of monies that goes through!  And lawyers and judges not even PRETEND to care about you like Sydney does (did)!  Theys is just interested in keeping as many assets in the estate as possible!  And this assumes they even KNOW they're supposed to pay you!  Maybe they look at box of shredded papers that is Sydney's "filing system" and just scratch heads!  Maybe they cannot find Sydney's address books or phone book because she has hidden them under loose-board next to litter box!  Maybe (probably) they knows nothing about publishing business, and does not even understand they is supposed to send percentages to you!  (Hey, at least Bad Agent Sydney sent along about one check out of three, just to keep up appearances!)


And no matter how bad things get, your old work is still tangled up on Sydney-estate's business!  If you signed Sydney's excellent new agency agreement that gives her right to portion of all new works in any away derived from, based upon, or stored in the same room or computer or skull with represented work, then estate could be rabid monkey on yourses back for rest of life!


Of course, if you is with a larger agency, this may be lesses of a problem.  Agency more likely to continue on, though in that case, yous can have issues if PRINCIPLE in agency dies (or has nasty divorce with another principle, or gets hauled into court on sexual harassment charges, or...), even if yours agent is on macrobiotic diet and jogging six miles a day!


So Sydney just laughs at poor client, who still exists in state of ignorances and uncertainty!  Just betweens you and me, Sydney has no will!  Just poor record keeping, legacy of fraudulent accounting, large-unpaid gambling debts, and a host of semi-insane "lost" relatives who all hate each other more than they care about money.  Yours future is in good hands!!


NOT!!!


But Sydney does not care!


Sydney will be watching and laughing from Cat heaven!  (Sure, she sells her soul to Dark Forces, possible Darth Vader himself, but has 20% of all YOUR souls to cash in on!)


Is good to me me!


You, not soes much!


PURRRRRRRRRRR! 



 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: Client Reflux

Sydney:

A while back this writer, we'll call him "Chump," sent Sydney a manuscript, asking for representation.  Sydney sees how she could put special Sydney "touch" on it, but she had just thrown up on another writer's book, and didn't have it in her that day.  So she passed.


Now is six months later.  Chump writer is back!  So is Chump writer's book, looking just like last time Sydney saw it!  Only one thing different: writer submitted book themselves and have a 3-book offer from major publisher!  Now Chump wants Sydney to take them on as client and negotiate the deal!


Sydney's reaction is obvious: HECKS NO!!!!!


"But," you says, "Sydney, this is free money!  Almost no work, and you hate work!"


This is true, but there is one thing more important than money to Sydney...  Okay, tuna. TWO things more important than money to Sydney, and the second one is SYDNEY'S EGO!  How can stupid writer think they could sell manuscript without Sydney's "improvements?"  Then, to adds insults to injuries, Chump GOES AHEAD AND DOES IT!


Stupid publisher buys book that agent didn't "fix?"  This is crazy-talk, and Sydney is angry at them too.  No sending ANY clients manuscripts to them for long time!  (Not that Sydney ever sends up much of anything anyway...)


But still, Sydney thinks: FREE MONEY.  FREE MONEY THAT CAN BE USED TO BUY TUNA.  But what about Sydney's ego?


So Sydney has plan.  Agrees she will represent deal, but ONLY if SHE is allowed to revise books first.  (Ate some funny-colored cat-kibble from bottom of old bag this morning, and am ready to RUMBLE!)  Is perfect plan!  Goes down like this!


Publisher likes revised book better, or at least doesn't hate it so much to kill deal.  Sydney's wonderfulness vindicated!


-or (more likely) -


Publisher rejects revised book, Sydney drops them as client, Chump's reputation ruined, Chump punished, publisher punished!  Sydney rules as master-manipulator of publishing!  Yay, Sydney!  (Sure, loses free money, but is no worse off than doing nothing.)


You may think that Chump will never go for it, but you never know.  They was silly enough to come back to Sydney in the first place!


It is good to me me!


PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Conference Confusion

Sydney:

Sydney has heard that some people are confused about what to do at writer's conferences.  Some silly people think they should be learning about craft, talking to other writers, learning business, listening to editors.


NO STUPID PEOPLES!  ALL IS ABOUT GETTING AGENT!  WITHOUT AGENT IS NO POINT!  CAN NOT SELL BOOK WITHOUT AGENT!  NO POINT IN WRITING BOOK WITHOUT AGENT!  GET PRIORITIES STRAIGHT!!!!


Focus all attention on agents!  Ignore editors!  Ignore writers!  LISTEN ONLY TO WHAT AGENTS SAY!  Do what necessary to curry agent favor and attention!  Flattery!  Gifts!  Whipped-cream bikini!  TUNA!


Remember: WITHOUT AGENT, U IS NOTHING!


Now, we got that straight...


PURRRR!


Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Bad News: Sydney T. Cat Bad Agent not accepting clients

(Originally posted on YorkWriters.com)
Response to our post "Announcing the Really Bad Literary Agency," has been overwhelming -- mostly from writers wanting to sign with agent Sydney T. Cat.

Sadly, Sydney reports that she is not taking on any new clients at this time. (Bad agent! No catnip!) Her dish is full so to speak. (Actually, she has an auto-feeder on her kibble dish, which is why she's as fat a cat as she is today. Strangely, as an agent, this makes her all the more desirable.)

Still, she has an intense desire to exploit -- uh -- help every struggling writer out here. To that end, Sydney is accepting questions about the writing business to which she will respond publicly with her famously bad advice. So if you have a question about how publishing works, submissions, manuscript format, editors, agents, royalties, contracts, or anything else, just drop it in a comment at the end of this message, or email it care of me ( j-steven-york @ sff.net ) and she will try to get to it in a future post.

Until then, Sydney suggests the best thing that you can do for your writing career is to keep yourself warm in a Sydney tee-shirt from her shop, pick up your favorite catnip toy in your mouth, and tunnel under a blanket to wait for help.

Because, doing nothing is always better than possibly doing the wrong thing. (See, the bad advice has already started!)

Hopefully, Syd will talk to you soon.

Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


IMPORTANT UPDATE!
Though Sydney is not taking clients, NO WRITER SHOULD BE DENIED PROPER SUPERVISION BY A CAT!  Fortunately, there are many homeless kitties in shelters across the country just waiting for writers to supervise!  Find out more HERE!

Introducing Bad Agent Sydney T. Cat!

(Originally posted on YorkWriters.com)

Steve here:

The other day Chris and I were having lunch with some writer friends when somebody made the joking comment (I forget the exact context), "just so you don't hang up a shingle and become an agent!"

Which got me to thinking. Why the heck not? I mean, I'm qualified, or at least as qualified as many of the so-called agents out there. More so actually.

Now, am I qualified to be the sort of agent I'd want to have? Probably not. But I'm plenty qualified to be the sort of bad agent that most people desperate for an agent are going to end up with.

First of all, let's look at the basic requirements of being an agent:


Okay, drawing a blank here. That's because there pretty much are no qualifications. One editor I know has reportedly said, "You know what you needed to be an agent? Stationery."

I'd qualify that, because we live in the age of computers, laser printers, email, Facebook, and Twitter. You don't even need stationery any more. In fact, if she could type her name into the computer, my cat could be an agent.


Yes, that's right. Anybody can call themselves a literary agent. There's no license required. No certification. No required training. No required degree. No test. Simply the willingness to call yourself an agent.

Of course, good agents are better qualified. They have extensive knowledge of business, contracts, and the publishing industry. They're skilled negotiators and have a gift of salesmanship.

But that's not what we're going for here at the Really Bad Literary Agency, so it's really lucky for us that most agent-hungry writers out there would never think to ask about their agent's qualifications and experience. The agent might be insulted and fail to sign them up, and as we all know, having any agent is way more important than having a good one.