Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Extrapolation

Sydney:

Sydney does not like to do work.  Submitting client's manuscripts: HARD!  Cut into Sydney's nap time!  But Sydney has time-tested Bad Agent technique to keep nasty work under control.  Is called "Extrapolation."


Here, I show you how work. 


Right now Sydney is looking at rejection from one junior editor at major publishing house:


"Sorry.  This is a great read and lots of fun, but left-handed pirate books aren't working for us right now.  Right-handed privateers are more the rage right now.  The writing is wonderful though, and we'd love to see more from this author."


From this, Sydney can extrapolate many things:


1. Nobody at this house will buy anything with left-handed pirates.
1a. Or pirates.
1b. Or left handed protagonists.

2. Nobody at ANY house will buy anything with left-handed pirates.

2a. Or pirates.

2b. Or left handed protagonists.

3.  Also client cannot sell, and Sydney should give up on them (not really the subject of this post).

So, anytime Sydney gets manuscript from ANY client with left-handed pirate, or pirate, or left-handed protagonist, or this client, is waste of Sydney's time and energy to send out.  Goes in "ignore" pile to be professionally ignored for duration of emergency.

This goes on, possibly for years, until that big left-handed pirate book that all the teenage girls love comes out, stays at top of Times list for six months.  THEN Sydney send out (except for stuff from that worthless client), creating glut just in time to watch trend fizzle.  Then can start sending out letters, "nobody buys left-handed pirate, or pirate, or left-handed books any more" again.

This may not seem smart, lose Sydney money.  But Sydney is not trend setter.  Setting trends is work.

Excuse me.  I gots to go ignore some pirate books...

PURRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!


If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: Client Reflux

Sydney:

A while back this writer, we'll call him "Chump," sent Sydney a manuscript, asking for representation.  Sydney sees how she could put special Sydney "touch" on it, but she had just thrown up on another writer's book, and didn't have it in her that day.  So she passed.


Now is six months later.  Chump writer is back!  So is Chump writer's book, looking just like last time Sydney saw it!  Only one thing different: writer submitted book themselves and have a 3-book offer from major publisher!  Now Chump wants Sydney to take them on as client and negotiate the deal!


Sydney's reaction is obvious: HECKS NO!!!!!


"But," you says, "Sydney, this is free money!  Almost no work, and you hate work!"


This is true, but there is one thing more important than money to Sydney...  Okay, tuna. TWO things more important than money to Sydney, and the second one is SYDNEY'S EGO!  How can stupid writer think they could sell manuscript without Sydney's "improvements?"  Then, to adds insults to injuries, Chump GOES AHEAD AND DOES IT!


Stupid publisher buys book that agent didn't "fix?"  This is crazy-talk, and Sydney is angry at them too.  No sending ANY clients manuscripts to them for long time!  (Not that Sydney ever sends up much of anything anyway...)


But still, Sydney thinks: FREE MONEY.  FREE MONEY THAT CAN BE USED TO BUY TUNA.  But what about Sydney's ego?


So Sydney has plan.  Agrees she will represent deal, but ONLY if SHE is allowed to revise books first.  (Ate some funny-colored cat-kibble from bottom of old bag this morning, and am ready to RUMBLE!)  Is perfect plan!  Goes down like this!


Publisher likes revised book better, or at least doesn't hate it so much to kill deal.  Sydney's wonderfulness vindicated!


-or (more likely) -


Publisher rejects revised book, Sydney drops them as client, Chump's reputation ruined, Chump punished, publisher punished!  Sydney rules as master-manipulator of publishing!  Yay, Sydney!  (Sure, loses free money, but is no worse off than doing nothing.)


You may think that Chump will never go for it, but you never know.  They was silly enough to come back to Sydney in the first place!


It is good to me me!


PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Conflict of Interest

Sydney:


Dear client,


Bad news: Sydney has not sent your great new novel manuscript out to anyone!


Good news: Reason is, Sydney has decided to start her own publishing company and has cherry-picked your book to be her first release!  You would much rather be published by "Cat Box Books" than by stupid-old Putnam or Random House, right?


Do not worry.  Sydney will not charge you much for printing.

No, this is not conflict of interest.  Stop thinking that... LOOK!!!  OVER THERE!!!  A CLOWN!!!!!!


Purrrrrrr....


Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!


If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Gatekeeper

Sydney:


Sydney has set herself up as gatekeeper that writers must pass if ever want get published.  Actually, that not true.  Sydney do nothing!  Writers set her up as gatekeeper.  Set all agents up as gatekeeper.


But what is Sydney gatekeeper of?  Is no wall between writers and publishing!  Obstacle course, maybe, but not wall!


Sure, many publishers say, "not take unagented submissions."  This very good for Sydney!  Even though she is very bad agent (PURRRR!), people still line up to be her client, because they think she key to gate on nonexistent wall!  Makes stupid writers think ANY agent better than no agent at all!  Never get published without agent!  Everybody know this!


HA!  Not true!  Stupid writers not think, and this is good for Bad Agents like Sydney!  Many ways through non-existent wall!  Sure, many publishers not take unagented manuscripts, but not all!  Some not take "unsolicited," and this different than "unagented."  Send good query letter!  Get request for manuscript.  Talk to editor at writer's conference!  Get request for manuscript or proposal.  Enter contests (good contests) that get attention from publishers.  Network, do whatever takes to get your best work to editors!  


Or (this no big secret) mail book anyway!  May not read, but might!  Worst thing happen?  Throw out!  You out paper, ink, and postage!  BIG DEAL!  Mail next publisher, try again.


Here's the secret: Editors want two things, not read all the cat-box-worthy manuscripts that come in slush, and to READ GREAT NEW BOOKS FROM PEOPLE THEY NEVER HEARD OF!  EDITORS NOT TRYING TO KEEP GOOD PEOPLE OUT, JUST CRAP!  EDITORS ALWAYS WANT GREAT NEW THING!


Of course, statistics say, you probably crap.  But if you think you are not, if others say you good (and not just grandma and that person you pay for sex), then maybe you run obstacle course, get book offer, and THEN you can always get agent!  Sydney will be waiting!  (But, Sydney supposes, you can also get a GOOD agent if you careful, and if you must!)


Or you can just sit on butt, staring at wall-that-is-not-there, crying about how you never get published.  That okay.  Editors not want crap, and that make you crap-by-default!


PURRRRR!


Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!


If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Writer-cat photo contest winner, Bella

Sydney:

Yes, time for another winner in big writer-cat photo contest.  How many winner there be?  How many good photos I get?  YOU DECIDE!


Todays winner is Bella.  Not Bellah who win before.  Bellah live Colorado.  Bella live Alabama.  DIFFERENT CAT! Get straight.


Stupid writers.


Bella's people is writer and broadcast news guy Randy Tatano.  Randy got blog here:http://tvnewsgrapevine.blogspot.com/  Boring TV news stuff.  Sydney never watches TV.  Unless has bugs or birds.  Speaking of, here's picture:

Anyway, Bella send writer advice with cute picture:


Bella the cat says:
"Writing a story and not mailing it makes no sense. Do you think editors are magically going to appear? Fuhgeddaboudit! That makes about as much sense as my sitting in this bird bath and expecting birds to land here."



Hey, Bella, two things...


A. What wrong was sitting there waiting for birds?  Sound good me!


B. That sound like actual useful writer advice!  Whatsupwiththat?  Give writer useful advice, next thing you know, they sell things, get contract, get deadline, busy, busy, busy...  NO TIME LEFT FOR KITTIES!  On other hand, possibly become next James Patterson, buy you that mink cat bed with bird dispenser you been wanting, so maybe you got this covered...


Randy, go give Bella treat!  I'm thinking something bird-flavored.  GO!


Anyway, Writers, just think how cold and bird-covered poor Randy's birdbath was before Bella come along!  Randy happier with cat supervision.  ALL WRITERS NEED!  ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY!  Follow link in bottom of message to find shelter near you where homeless kitties waiting RIGHT NOW!  GO!


Anyway, work done for day.  (Sorry, clients, no time for you.)  Got to think of new Sydney Wisdom for tomorrow.  NEW WISDOM TOMORROW!


Until then,
PURRRRRRRRRRR!


Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!


If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Editorial Likes

Sydney:


Dear client -


No, that editor did not like your book.


If they'd liked it, I would have sent it to them.


No, of course they haven't read it!  Weren't you listening?

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: Reading Fees

Sydney:


People ask, "why do you charge a reading fee for aspiring clients?"


This is simple.  I charge reading fees for things I do not want to read and do not want to represent.  Why would I touch them otherwise?  Actually, it should probably be called a "sitting fee," because that's what I do with these submissions, sit on them.


I mean literally, I sit on them.  I'm a cat, and my slush pile is the highest spot in the room.


People ask, "why should I pay you a reading fee to take my submission."


Okay, you've stumped me on that one.


Now shut up, and get me tuna!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!