Sydney:

Clients, perhaps you have noticed that your advances has been getting smaller! This is not Sydney's problem, and you is not Sydney's only client! Sydney is not about individual advances! Fifteen (wait, twenty!) percent of your advance is not much for Sydney, but this is okay! Sydney is about quantity, not quality! Fifteen percent (no, twenty!) of a lot of crappy advances will keep Bad Agent Sydney in the tunas!

It is good to be me! (You, not so much.)

                                         -PURRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Check my Smooth Moves (or Movies)

Sydney:

Good news, client!  Sydney has sold Hollywood option on your book!


Has sold to new production company called "Bad Producer Sydney" Productions.  No relation, of course!  


Well, okay, a little, in that its is wholly owned by me!  But Sydney does not make the movies, of courses!  Sydney will sell yours book to REAL movie-makers.  Don't worries!  Producer Sydney will send money to you, less 25% management fee!  (Of course, Agent Sydney will also take her 20% for selling to Producer Sydney.  Is only fair!)


Sydney gets you good deal!  Not much money up front, but gets you 2% of gross profits, whichs is much better than percent of net profit!  In Hollywood, "net" means they will throw net over yous if yous is crazy enough to thinks you will get paid. "Gross" only means it would be gross if they ever actually had to pay anybody!


Of course, if you does not make much, Bad Agent Sydney's cut is small too.  But do not feel bad for Bad Agent Sydney!  Bad Producer Sydney makes her own deal!  Sydney is credited producer on movie!  No work, but Sydney makes fat check that she shares with nobodies, trailer stocked with tunas, plus 5% of the budget! (Which means Sydney gets paid if it gets made, even if it is never released!)


Also, Sydney's name is before yourses in credits!  


Also bigger!


Sydney must go now.  Already has deal to write script for sequel!  Already gots opening:


FADE OUT - YOU


Is good to be me!


PURRRRRRRRR!


Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Why Good Kitties Can Still Eat You

Sydney:


Sydney is always amazed that peoples think that agents can’t be bad agents because they is nice peoples. Just because you likes having drinks with somebody at convention bar is no reason to sleep with them without protections (this is all hypotheticals of course, Sydney is “fixed”) or make them signer on yours checking account.

Look at Sydney. Sydney is bad agent, sures (and prouds of it!) but she is also sweet little kitty. Warm and soft. Purrs so loud you can hear in next state. Likes chin rubs, scritches, and warm laps. But down deep (okay, no so far down in Sydney’s case!), self-interest rules!

Sydney wants treats. Sydney wants litter box cleaned. SYDNEY WANTS TUNA! And when Sydney wants, what you wants is not toos important! Sure, Sydney is nice little kitty, but if Sydney is hungry enough, and yous lay on the floor still long enough, SYDNEY WILL EAT YOU!! This is way of the world, silly peoples!

So many, maybe most bad agents start out as good people. But one day the cash is short, the electrics bill is overdues, the rent is behind, and agent needs moneys for postage. And there is foreign rights check in in-box. Client doesn’t even know it is theres, and agent knows plenty of cash coming down pipeline to pay back! Where is harm! For writer, money in two weeks will still be money out of nowhere! They still thrilled! Agent is hero, and bills get paid! Where is harm!

Except next week, needs more money to pay back other money, and there is other checks sittings in inbox, stupid hopeful writers pounding at door who would be happy to pay reading or editing fees, and royalty statements that could just “disappear.”

Always, what is harms? Just a little here and there. Always intends to pay back. Agent surely deserves it for all things they do! Just “borrow” for a few days, a month, a year, until “things turn around…”

Sydney does not know if power really corrupts, but it sure doesn’t hurt! And many writers gives their agents absolute power over their money and affairs. Is very, very tempting, even for “nice peoples.”

And now business is changings. Agents’ future place in world us uncertain. EVERYBODY is hungry. And there is all these writers, laying there — very still.

Yum.

Is good to be me… PURRRR!

(Sydney originally posts this as comment on blog of crazy-writer-lady Kristine Kathryn Rusch, who is always talkings about writing business, educating writers, and spoiling Sydney's evil plans!  Do not even go to her blog at www.KristineKathrynRusch.com  DON'TS!!!)

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Wisdom of the Day: Sydney's Almost-Certain-To-Get-You-Pre-published-Writing-School

Sydney:

Good news!  Sydney is starting a writing school for would-be clients!  If you're not good enough for Sydney to read out of slush, you is still plenty good enough to give Sydney money to learns how to write!


If you pays to go through Sydney's writing school, Sydney almost certainly promises to put your submissions back in her slush pile, maybes near the top!  Slush pile is not quite tall enough to get Sydney into prime afternoon sunny spot!


Of course, Sydney cannot teach you.  First, she is busy napping on top of slush-pile.  Seconds, she is just a little cat, and cannot write.


So Sydney needs to hire some writing instructors!  How to find peoples?  Hmmm.  Sydney has heard that if you go to Home Depot parking lot in the morning, you can hire people there...


Get your moneys ready!  Sydney will be right back!


PURRRRRR!


 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - I like to Mingle

Sydney:


Yesterday, person says to me, "Sydney, do you co-mingle your personal, business, and client funds?  I've heard this can lead to trouble."


You want to know what causes trouble?  CLIENTS!  Also people who ask snoopy questions!  (Snoopy as in intrusive, not Snoopy as in CARTOON DOG!)


But Sydney will answer anyway.  Sydney has no secrets.  None she will tell you about anyway.


Sydney does not co-mingle funds.  Sydney puts all funds in blender and hits LIQUEFY button!  All funds completely mixed into unidentifiable mess!


What?  You says you has payment coming?  Well sure, just look in here and point at it!  What?  Why you look so confused?  While you figure it out, Sydney will pour a big glass of assets for herself!  Oh!  You are too slow!  Blender empty now!


Doing this makes it much easier for Sydney to answer all financial questions and/or charges with her stock answer: "Huh?"


Is good to be me!


PURRRR! 

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

U R Terminated!

Sydney:

People wonder, "hey Sydney, you work all alone at Really Bad Literary Agency?"


No, silly writers.  Sydney is very interactive kitty!  Needs peeps to echo and validate her every thought and idea!  (Just had one now: Returned check fee for clients WHEN CHECKS I WRITE ARE RETURNED!  Peeps!  Remind me later how ingenious I is!)  And of course, has Mr. Oz, my enforcer when knee-caps need biting or Rottweilers needs roughing up.  


Sydney also has sub-agents to scratch up rights in other areas, like her Hollywood agent Mr. Loki.


But at moment, Sydney has no other in-house agents in her agency.  Did try once though.  Big disaster!  Had to show that bum the cat-door!  Share a little behind-the-scenes with you here.  Here termination letter for big boob.  (Names hidden to protect the guilty!)

October 12, 2009

Mr. REDACTED, Agent

Second Desk on the Left

Really Bad Literary Agency

Dear Mr. REDACTED:

It has come to our attention that your recent actions in regards to your new client, Mr. REDACTED, are in direct violation of agency policy.  Do we need to remind you, Mr. REDACTED, that you signed a binding agreement with this agency, and that you promised to abide by all agency practices?

In particular, it appears you have bargained in good faith, provided references, and actively participated in negotiating a contract for your client.  Further, you have offered career advice without demanding repeated revisions of said client’s manuscripts, and you have followed the client’s instructions as regards various business matters.

Here at the Really Bad Literary Agency we do not do these things.  That is our policy, and it works for us.  Unfortunately, you have chosen to ignore our procedures.  Our agreement allows us to sever our relationship at any time, for any reason, and allows you to buy your way out of the contract with an early termination payment of only 10% of your annual earnings.  That’s fair – it is what we offer our clients, after all.

However, there was extra tuna this morning and I am in a good mood.  Therefore, I am willing to allow you to terminate our relationship without payment.  It saves us both time and effort, and you can offer whatever explanation you prefer to your client to explain your departure.  But should you choose to denigrate the agency in any way, my good mood will evaporate quickly.

This is not REDACTED & Cat, Mr. REDACTED.  You do not set policy for this agency.  If you cannot abide by our agreement, we will expect your resignation forthwith.

Sincerely,

Sydney T. Cat

Owner and Senior Agent

The Really Bad Literary Agency

That's how it went down.  You know, sometimes scooping not enough.  Got to dump the cat box and start fresh.


PURRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU!
Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post!

While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!


If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!