Bad Agent Sydney FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) Part the 2

Sydney:

How can a cat be an agent?


Anybody can prints up cards and call themselves an agent, even a cat!  And if it is not permitted, then it is required!


Who would sign up a cat for an agent?


When word gots out that Sydney was agent, people started asking where to sends submissions.  Sydney has to beat off clients with a stick!  Nots kidding.  Beats them off with stick!


Sydney is a boy's name, right?


Is youses blind?!!  Sydney is dainty little girl kitty!  Don't makes me come over there and hurt you!!!


What's with all the extra "s"es?  Do you have pluralicy or something?


Everybody is the comedians!  No, stupid-heads!  When Sydneys was in agent-school she was in house Slitherin.  Does that answers your question?


What qualities do you look for in a client?


Sydney likes the starry-eyed optimism that blinds all judgement, desperate need for validation, and accesses to a large trust fund!


Are you taking submissions?


Not from yous!


I have this great idea for a fantasy series...


Yours mother must be so proud!


What is your commission rate?


Many agents still charging 15%, but Sydney's worthless clients not making enough moneys for her!  So Sydney says to herselfs, "Youses is worth more than that!"  So lucky you, if you has Sydney for agent!  Sydney is now worths 20%!  You mustes have the bestest agent in the business!  YOU DOES NOT DESERVE!  WORKS HARDER!!!!


I've heard you insist your clients obey your instructions.  What's up with that?  Shouldn't a writer be the master of their own career?


Who has you been talking to?  You is only writer!  Sydney is agent!  Agent knows best!  Agent tells many writers what to do!  You is only one!  By definitions, Agent is many times smarter than yous!  Yous is only single pellet in Sydney's scatter-gun of success!


But how can you tell writers how to write their books?  You've never written a book, have you?


What!  SYDNEY IS WRITING A BOOK RIGHT NOW!  BOOK IS JUST A BIG BLOG POST!  SYDNEY PUTS ALL BLOG POSTS TOGETHER, HAS BOOK!  SCREWS YOU!


Well, if it's so easy, why do I need you?


Noes, noes, NOES!  No book is goods enough for publications without Agent's claw-marks on in!  (Sydney is perfectly capables of clawing up her own manuscripts, thank-you-very-muches!)


But, not only haven't you written a book, you've never been a professional editor either, have you?


Sydney is an important crack in the editorial sidewalk to possible-maybe publication!!  (Do not step on crack!  Sydney's back already under a lotta strain!)  Sydney's editorial input has been permeated into many manuscripts to make then suitable for submission to major publisherses!


Where they then need to be edited?


Well of courses!  Whole point of Agent intervention is to make the manuscript just good enough to need real editing!


Even if that means making the manuscript worse?


Especially if it means making book worse!  This is important thing, great secret that only Agents understands!  Editors buy books, and editors mustest justify their phoney-baloney jobs!  This is secret!  Editors is not necessary to publishing process!  Not like Agents!  Surprisingly, mostest books is rejected by publishers because they is too good!  Sydney uses her special agent powers to dull your manuscript down just to the point where it showses editorial promise!  This is the sweet spot where editors will bite!


Oooookay!  Shouldn't there be more questions than this on a Frequently Asked Questions List?


Sydney will answer more questions as you frequently ask them.  Email Sydney with yourses agent and publishing and especially Sydney questions!


Any final advice to writers?


ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  ADOPTS A HOMELESS CAT TODAY!  SYDNEY ORDERS YOU!!!!


You like to have the last word, don't you?


PURRRRRRRR!!!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Never Ending Story

Sydney:

Most publishing contracts haves what is called "termination clause."  No, stupids, this is not title of worst Arnold Schwarzenegger Christimas movie ever!  This is clause that sets up what conditions under which the contracts ceases to applies, like when book is out of print or the term of the rights purchase runses out.


But Sydney has another name for this clause!  She calls it the "Sydney-doesn't-makes-no-more-money clause!"  See, the percentage of monies that Sydney gets is for the "life of the contract."  If book stays in print for fifty years and contract is in force, Sydney gets still her percentage!  This is much tunas for Sydney!


But if contract runs out, so whats, right?  Sydney can resell work then and makes more monies!  But, ignoring that this is more works for Sydney (do not want!), sometimes (not very often) clients wise up to Sydney's evil ways, and "part company" with Sydney!  But even then, if contract is still in force, Sydney still makes moneys! But if contract expires, no moneys for Sydney!  Former client can have NEW agent resell and keep cut for themselves!  


Stupid writer may even sell themselves and keep ALL money!  Selfish writers!  Don't they know that agents needs to eat, pay rent, and buy mink-lined business jets!


Sydney has been thinking about this, wondering if she can negotiate OUT termination clause on all client's new contracts?  Publishers won't say nothing.  It has been Sydney's experience, they is usually happy to let writers (or their agents) screw themselves.  But this is only screwing for client, not so much for Bad Agent Sydney!  And most clients won't notice.  Don't know what termination clause is, even if they bothers to reads contract. (Clients, ignore this post, and do not worry your pretty-little-heads!).

Sometimes Sydney is so brilliants she has to wear shades!!!


PURRRRRRR!!!!!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Why Good Kitties Can Still Eat You

Sydney:


Sydney is always amazed that peoples think that agents can’t be bad agents because they is nice peoples. Just because you likes having drinks with somebody at convention bar is no reason to sleep with them without protections (this is all hypotheticals of course, Sydney is “fixed”) or make them signer on yours checking account.

Look at Sydney. Sydney is bad agent, sures (and prouds of it!) but she is also sweet little kitty. Warm and soft. Purrs so loud you can hear in next state. Likes chin rubs, scritches, and warm laps. But down deep (okay, no so far down in Sydney’s case!), self-interest rules!

Sydney wants treats. Sydney wants litter box cleaned. SYDNEY WANTS TUNA! And when Sydney wants, what you wants is not toos important! Sure, Sydney is nice little kitty, but if Sydney is hungry enough, and yous lay on the floor still long enough, SYDNEY WILL EAT YOU!! This is way of the world, silly peoples!

So many, maybe most bad agents start out as good people. But one day the cash is short, the electrics bill is overdues, the rent is behind, and agent needs moneys for postage. And there is foreign rights check in in-box. Client doesn’t even know it is theres, and agent knows plenty of cash coming down pipeline to pay back! Where is harm! For writer, money in two weeks will still be money out of nowhere! They still thrilled! Agent is hero, and bills get paid! Where is harm!

Except next week, needs more money to pay back other money, and there is other checks sittings in inbox, stupid hopeful writers pounding at door who would be happy to pay reading or editing fees, and royalty statements that could just “disappear.”

Always, what is harms? Just a little here and there. Always intends to pay back. Agent surely deserves it for all things they do! Just “borrow” for a few days, a month, a year, until “things turn around…”

Sydney does not know if power really corrupts, but it sure doesn’t hurt! And many writers gives their agents absolute power over their money and affairs. Is very, very tempting, even for “nice peoples.”

And now business is changings. Agents’ future place in world us uncertain. EVERYBODY is hungry. And there is all these writers, laying there — very still.

Yum.

Is good to be me… PURRRR!

(Sydney originally posts this as comment on blog of crazy-writer-lady Kristine Kathryn Rusch, who is always talkings about writing business, educating writers, and spoiling Sydney's evil plans!  Do not even go to her blog at www.KristineKathrynRusch.com  DON'TS!!!)

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - What's Yours is Mine

Sydney:

Sydney is very excited!  Sydney has a new client!  Writer comes to Sydney with novel they wanted to sell to New York, but here is twist: Book is already a top seller!!!


Here is deal.  Writer has already published novel as ebook on Kindle and Nook and other ebook-things.  Turns out to be big seller, and gets lots of attention, even press!  Sells lots of copies and makes lots of money!  But client is romantic.  Despite all this money, does not think she is really "published" until she has agent and sells to New York!


Writers with stars in eyes make Sydney purr!  They is putty in Sydney's paws!  Sydney plays it cool, and licks her paws for a while before saying "yes" to client!  Client is so grateful, she is ready to clean Sydney's litter box!

Novel is easy sell.  Book has proven track record, and proven appeal!  Publishers line up, and Sydney has auction!  Advance is good!  Of course, writer loses out big time on royalties, but Sydney does not care, because she gets cut!  All Sydney really cares is that SHE makes money!!!


Publisher also agrees to let writer keep selling their ebook version, because publisher wants to piss on edit and revise book so much, their version will be much different.  Why they want to fix what is working?  Sydney does not know!  Lots of work for writer, but it not Sydney's problem!


But Sydney is annoyed.  Writer's self-published ebooks still sell, and what's in it for Sydney?  Sydney tells client they gots to pay her 10% commission on ebooks she didn't touch and didn't sell!  


Grateful writer goes for it, hook, line, and tuna!  Sydney wins!  Gots writer coming and going!  Sydney is genius!


Is good to be me!  PURRRRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Wisdom of the Day: Sydney's Almost-Certain-To-Get-You-Pre-published-Writing-School

Sydney:

Good news!  Sydney is starting a writing school for would-be clients!  If you're not good enough for Sydney to read out of slush, you is still plenty good enough to give Sydney money to learns how to write!


If you pays to go through Sydney's writing school, Sydney almost certainly promises to put your submissions back in her slush pile, maybes near the top!  Slush pile is not quite tall enough to get Sydney into prime afternoon sunny spot!


Of course, Sydney cannot teach you.  First, she is busy napping on top of slush-pile.  Seconds, she is just a little cat, and cannot write.


So Sydney needs to hire some writing instructors!  How to find peoples?  Hmmm.  Sydney has heard that if you go to Home Depot parking lot in the morning, you can hire people there...


Get your moneys ready!  Sydney will be right back!


PURRRRRR!


 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: A Drop in the Water Bowl

Sydney:

Dear client,


Yes, you is right.  Sydney has made some little mistake in handling your money!  Maybe she forgot to send your share that royalty check, or those monies from that foreign-rights sale, or that low-dollar Hollywood option.  And maybe while she was at it, maybe she forgot to send along royalty statement or other paperwork that would give you some idea you was even owed money.  Thing is, some money that maybe should have gone to you didn't.


You caught me!  Mys bad!  Hey!  Mistakes are made!  


But it was not a big mistake.  Just a little check!  Maybe a hundred bucks.  Maybe a little more.  Maybe a little less.  Certainly not enough to worry your pretty little head over!  Just a drop!  Just a drop!


But you is just one client.  Sydney has many clients.  Hundreds clients!  A drop here.  A drop there.  It adds up!


Hmmm.  Sydney's water bowl is suddenly overflowing!  How did this happen?


Is good to be me!


PURRRRRRRRRR!  

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS!

If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - I like to Mingle

Sydney:


Yesterday, person says to me, "Sydney, do you co-mingle your personal, business, and client funds?  I've heard this can lead to trouble."


You want to know what causes trouble?  CLIENTS!  Also people who ask snoopy questions!  (Snoopy as in intrusive, not Snoopy as in CARTOON DOG!)


But Sydney will answer anyway.  Sydney has no secrets.  None she will tell you about anyway.


Sydney does not co-mingle funds.  Sydney puts all funds in blender and hits LIQUEFY button!  All funds completely mixed into unidentifiable mess!


What?  You says you has payment coming?  Well sure, just look in here and point at it!  What?  Why you look so confused?  While you figure it out, Sydney will pour a big glass of assets for herself!  Oh!  You are too slow!  Blender empty now!


Doing this makes it much easier for Sydney to answer all financial questions and/or charges with her stock answer: "Huh?"


Is good to be me!


PURRRR! 

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!