More Bad Hollywood Sydney Wisdom!

Sydney:

Sydney is doing so well with last-week's Hollywoods movie scheme, she starts to wonder, why should she only takes Hollywood money from own clients!  Sydney then has new ideas!


Sydney is now what is callsed "Literary Scout!"  Sydney hears there is literary scouts for reals, who goes looking for books that has potentials to develop into films or television shows, buys options to market books, then brokers deals throughs their contacts in show-business, and takes finders fee!  (Meanwhile, writer's regular agent still getses full 15% for "selling Hollywood rights," even thoughs deal just drops into their lapses!  Is good to be an agent!)


But Sydney thinks, why pays for options, when stupid writers will give to her for free!  Here is Sydney's deal: Sydney cold-calls zillion published writers offering to market their books in Hollywood!  Sydney will not charges them at all!  All they gots to do is sign over all-rights, exclusive, long-term Hollywood option to Sydney!


Sydney talks smooth, acts like shes is well-connected Hollywood insider, and drops Hollywood-insider names she learns from IMDB and TMZ!  "I has talkings with Johnny Depp the other day, and he was sayings how he would like to do a movie justes like your books!  I thinks we could get Sandras Bullock and Mae West and Hally Barry to play the sisters!  And we could get little Stevie Spielberg to directs!  Or maybe Stan Kubrick or Al Hitchcocks!  All is good friends with Sydney!  Had tunas with me at Brown Tophat restaurant just the other days!"


Some writers does not believes, but others does, and is so star-struck by idea of book being made into big movie, does not even check on Sydney's credentials!  (Sydney is agent, remember!  Has no credentials!)  So gives Sydney big right-grab option for free!


Pretty soon, Sydney has whole shopping bag full of options, maybe even with a few names Hollywood peoples who don't read will recognize!  Accidentally return Sydney's calls!  Sydney gets meeting, spreads out options on table like a deck of playing cards, and says, "takes your pickses!  Is all good!"


Maybe Sydney gets nowhere, but every once in while, one is bound to pay off!  And with Sydney's option agreement, no getting around her!  Writer can't sell to anyone else!  Movie producers can't buy without going through Sydney!  Sydney pays nothing to be deal maker and deal breaker!


Is good to be me!

PUUUURRRRRRRRRR!


 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Check my Smooth Moves (or Movies)

Sydney:

Good news, client!  Sydney has sold Hollywood option on your book!


Has sold to new production company called "Bad Producer Sydney" Productions.  No relation, of course!  


Well, okay, a little, in that its is wholly owned by me!  But Sydney does not make the movies, of courses!  Sydney will sell yours book to REAL movie-makers.  Don't worries!  Producer Sydney will send money to you, less 25% management fee!  (Of course, Agent Sydney will also take her 20% for selling to Producer Sydney.  Is only fair!)


Sydney gets you good deal!  Not much money up front, but gets you 2% of gross profits, whichs is much better than percent of net profit!  In Hollywood, "net" means they will throw net over yous if yous is crazy enough to thinks you will get paid. "Gross" only means it would be gross if they ever actually had to pay anybody!


Of course, if you does not make much, Bad Agent Sydney's cut is small too.  But do not feel bad for Bad Agent Sydney!  Bad Producer Sydney makes her own deal!  Sydney is credited producer on movie!  No work, but Sydney makes fat check that she shares with nobodies, trailer stocked with tunas, plus 5% of the budget! (Which means Sydney gets paid if it gets made, even if it is never released!)


Also, Sydney's name is before yourses in credits!  


Also bigger!


Sydney must go now.  Already has deal to write script for sequel!  Already gots opening:


FADE OUT - YOU


Is good to be me!


PURRRRRRRRR!


Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day: The Nine Percents Solution

Sydney:

Hey, want to self-publish your work as ebookses, but don't want to do the work yourselfs?  Don't have much moneys?  Bad Agent Sydney Agency has new service for you!


Sydney is now offering full ebook publishing services with NO moneys up front!  Just let Sydney collect sales and she takes SMALL percentages, none aboves 15%, to cover the work done by her crack publishing team that she recruiteds from the parking lot in front of Home Depot!


Here is how goes:
Editings 15%  Fee
Cover Design 15% Fee
Cover Arts or Photo 10% Fee
Typesetting 10% Fee
Copyediting 15% Fee
Proofing 10% Fee
Cover copy-writings 10% Fee
Ebook Processings 10% Fee
Accounting 10% Fee


Simple, huh?


Well, Sydney must go now.  Has to call client and tell them good newses and bad newses.  Good newses is, client sold $10000 dollars worth of ebooks this month!  Bad newses is they now owes Sydney $500!


PURRRRRR!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) Part the 2

Sydney:

How can a cat be an agent?


Anybody can prints up cards and call themselves an agent, even a cat!  And if it is not permitted, then it is required!


Who would sign up a cat for an agent?


When word gots out that Sydney was agent, people started asking where to sends submissions.  Sydney has to beat off clients with a stick!  Nots kidding.  Beats them off with stick!


Sydney is a boy's name, right?


Is youses blind?!!  Sydney is dainty little girl kitty!  Don't makes me come over there and hurt you!!!


What's with all the extra "s"es?  Do you have pluralicy or something?


Everybody is the comedians!  No, stupid-heads!  When Sydneys was in agent-school she was in house Slitherin.  Does that answers your question?


What qualities do you look for in a client?


Sydney likes the starry-eyed optimism that blinds all judgement, desperate need for validation, and accesses to a large trust fund!


Are you taking submissions?


Not from yous!


I have this great idea for a fantasy series...


Yours mother must be so proud!


What is your commission rate?


Many agents still charging 15%, but Sydney's worthless clients not making enough moneys for her!  So Sydney says to herselfs, "Youses is worth more than that!"  So lucky you, if you has Sydney for agent!  Sydney is now worths 20%!  You mustes have the bestest agent in the business!  YOU DOES NOT DESERVE!  WORKS HARDER!!!!


I've heard you insist your clients obey your instructions.  What's up with that?  Shouldn't a writer be the master of their own career?


Who has you been talking to?  You is only writer!  Sydney is agent!  Agent knows best!  Agent tells many writers what to do!  You is only one!  By definitions, Agent is many times smarter than yous!  Yous is only single pellet in Sydney's scatter-gun of success!


But how can you tell writers how to write their books?  You've never written a book, have you?


What!  SYDNEY IS WRITING A BOOK RIGHT NOW!  BOOK IS JUST A BIG BLOG POST!  SYDNEY PUTS ALL BLOG POSTS TOGETHER, HAS BOOK!  SCREWS YOU!


Well, if it's so easy, why do I need you?


Noes, noes, NOES!  No book is goods enough for publications without Agent's claw-marks on in!  (Sydney is perfectly capables of clawing up her own manuscripts, thank-you-very-muches!)


But, not only haven't you written a book, you've never been a professional editor either, have you?


Sydney is an important crack in the editorial sidewalk to possible-maybe publication!!  (Do not step on crack!  Sydney's back already under a lotta strain!)  Sydney's editorial input has been permeated into many manuscripts to make then suitable for submission to major publisherses!


Where they then need to be edited?


Well of courses!  Whole point of Agent intervention is to make the manuscript just good enough to need real editing!


Even if that means making the manuscript worse?


Especially if it means making book worse!  This is important thing, great secret that only Agents understands!  Editors buy books, and editors mustest justify their phoney-baloney jobs!  This is secret!  Editors is not necessary to publishing process!  Not like Agents!  Surprisingly, mostest books is rejected by publishers because they is too good!  Sydney uses her special agent powers to dull your manuscript down just to the point where it showses editorial promise!  This is the sweet spot where editors will bite!


Oooookay!  Shouldn't there be more questions than this on a Frequently Asked Questions List?


Sydney will answer more questions as you frequently ask them.  Email Sydney with yourses agent and publishing and especially Sydney questions!


Any final advice to writers?


ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  ADOPTS A HOMELESS CAT TODAY!  SYDNEY ORDERS YOU!!!!


You like to have the last word, don't you?


PURRRRRRRR!!!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Never Ending Story

Sydney:

Most publishing contracts haves what is called "termination clause."  No, stupids, this is not title of worst Arnold Schwarzenegger Christimas movie ever!  This is clause that sets up what conditions under which the contracts ceases to applies, like when book is out of print or the term of the rights purchase runses out.


But Sydney has another name for this clause!  She calls it the "Sydney-doesn't-makes-no-more-money clause!"  See, the percentage of monies that Sydney gets is for the "life of the contract."  If book stays in print for fifty years and contract is in force, Sydney gets still her percentage!  This is much tunas for Sydney!


But if contract runs out, so whats, right?  Sydney can resell work then and makes more monies!  But, ignoring that this is more works for Sydney (do not want!), sometimes (not very often) clients wise up to Sydney's evil ways, and "part company" with Sydney!  But even then, if contract is still in force, Sydney still makes moneys! But if contract expires, no moneys for Sydney!  Former client can have NEW agent resell and keep cut for themselves!  


Stupid writer may even sell themselves and keep ALL money!  Selfish writers!  Don't they know that agents needs to eat, pay rent, and buy mink-lined business jets!


Sydney has been thinking about this, wondering if she can negotiate OUT termination clause on all client's new contracts?  Publishers won't say nothing.  It has been Sydney's experience, they is usually happy to let writers (or their agents) screw themselves.  But this is only screwing for client, not so much for Bad Agent Sydney!  And most clients won't notice.  Don't know what termination clause is, even if they bothers to reads contract. (Clients, ignore this post, and do not worry your pretty-little-heads!).

Sometimes Sydney is so brilliants she has to wear shades!!!


PURRRRRRR!!!!!

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - Why Good Kitties Can Still Eat You

Sydney:


Sydney is always amazed that peoples think that agents can’t be bad agents because they is nice peoples. Just because you likes having drinks with somebody at convention bar is no reason to sleep with them without protections (this is all hypotheticals of course, Sydney is “fixed”) or make them signer on yours checking account.

Look at Sydney. Sydney is bad agent, sures (and prouds of it!) but she is also sweet little kitty. Warm and soft. Purrs so loud you can hear in next state. Likes chin rubs, scritches, and warm laps. But down deep (okay, no so far down in Sydney’s case!), self-interest rules!

Sydney wants treats. Sydney wants litter box cleaned. SYDNEY WANTS TUNA! And when Sydney wants, what you wants is not toos important! Sure, Sydney is nice little kitty, but if Sydney is hungry enough, and yous lay on the floor still long enough, SYDNEY WILL EAT YOU!! This is way of the world, silly peoples!

So many, maybe most bad agents start out as good people. But one day the cash is short, the electrics bill is overdues, the rent is behind, and agent needs moneys for postage. And there is foreign rights check in in-box. Client doesn’t even know it is theres, and agent knows plenty of cash coming down pipeline to pay back! Where is harm! For writer, money in two weeks will still be money out of nowhere! They still thrilled! Agent is hero, and bills get paid! Where is harm!

Except next week, needs more money to pay back other money, and there is other checks sittings in inbox, stupid hopeful writers pounding at door who would be happy to pay reading or editing fees, and royalty statements that could just “disappear.”

Always, what is harms? Just a little here and there. Always intends to pay back. Agent surely deserves it for all things they do! Just “borrow” for a few days, a month, a year, until “things turn around…”

Sydney does not know if power really corrupts, but it sure doesn’t hurt! And many writers gives their agents absolute power over their money and affairs. Is very, very tempting, even for “nice peoples.”

And now business is changings. Agents’ future place in world us uncertain. EVERYBODY is hungry. And there is all these writers, laying there — very still.

Yum.

Is good to be me… PURRRR!

(Sydney originally posts this as comment on blog of crazy-writer-lady Kristine Kathryn Rusch, who is always talkings about writing business, educating writers, and spoiling Sydney's evil plans!  Do not even go to her blog at www.KristineKathrynRusch.com  DON'TS!!!)

 Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sydney Wisdom of the Day - What's Yours is Mine

Sydney:

Sydney is very excited!  Sydney has a new client!  Writer comes to Sydney with novel they wanted to sell to New York, but here is twist: Book is already a top seller!!!


Here is deal.  Writer has already published novel as ebook on Kindle and Nook and other ebook-things.  Turns out to be big seller, and gets lots of attention, even press!  Sells lots of copies and makes lots of money!  But client is romantic.  Despite all this money, does not think she is really "published" until she has agent and sells to New York!


Writers with stars in eyes make Sydney purr!  They is putty in Sydney's paws!  Sydney plays it cool, and licks her paws for a while before saying "yes" to client!  Client is so grateful, she is ready to clean Sydney's litter box!

Novel is easy sell.  Book has proven track record, and proven appeal!  Publishers line up, and Sydney has auction!  Advance is good!  Of course, writer loses out big time on royalties, but Sydney does not care, because she gets cut!  All Sydney really cares is that SHE makes money!!!


Publisher also agrees to let writer keep selling their ebook version, because publisher wants to piss on edit and revise book so much, their version will be much different.  Why they want to fix what is working?  Sydney does not know!  Lots of work for writer, but it not Sydney's problem!


But Sydney is annoyed.  Writer's self-published ebooks still sell, and what's in it for Sydney?  Sydney tells client they gots to pay her 10% commission on ebooks she didn't touch and didn't sell!  


Grateful writer goes for it, hook, line, and tuna!  Sydney wins!  Gots writer coming and going!  Sydney is genius!


Is good to be me!  PURRRRRRRRRRRR!

Bad Agent Sydney wants to hear from YOU! Please leave your queries, questions, or comments! Perhaps Sydney's response will inspire a future post! While Bad Agent Sydney is not taking on new clients at this time, she is well aware that ALL WRITERS NEED CAT SUPERVISION!  Little known fact that this instinctive talent that ALL cats have!  Writers (and everyone want to be writer!), do to local shelter and ADOPT HOMELESS KITTY TODAY!  Use this LINK to find shelter near you!  GO!  AGENT SYDNEY SAYS! If you found this post useful or fun, please be aware that Sydney has NEEDS! Toys. Catnip. TUNA! Support Sydney (and her people) by digging deep and sending a "thank-you" donantion her way. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (You cannot resist my hypnotic "pay up!" purr! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!